Today I feel a thousand hoof beats of repressed life and love thundering in my cells. Transiting Mercury in Scorpio started stirring up all kinds of memories last night of old loves. And I then opened my 1993 journals to read around the time I found sobriety.. There were so many dreams opening me to emotional truths and I was already battling in my marriage with the emotional lock down in my partner. Truth is I knew so little at that point but my inner child began to open her hearts and fears and longings to me almost immediately.. Today I feel that open hearted innocent of a child before her heart got fractured and torn about by human relationships. I see the confusion in that young part and I hold her hand through the storm.
Yesterday was a very busy active day with therapy, a lunch out then shopping, I came home and tidied out the fridge after doing groceries, sat down for a while to read and have a cup of tea before taking Jasper out for a late afternoon walk. I then got so busy in the garden clearing out weeds and pruning some overgrowth back. But I was flooded then with two things : firstly the head trauma and the vibrational imprints in my cells as this is the time of day I crashed back in June 2005, I also cried a lot last afternoon with the realisation I am still living my grandmothers life, alone after a marriage ended (hers after my Grandad, Bluey’s death, mine after 11 years of marriage, hers with a daughter, mine with my dog) I thought of therapy and all I have been working through.. it all has to do with attachments but the deeper work does not lie in the rooms in therapy it lies in opening my heart to love and being fully and completely alive while surrendering the barricades..
Mistrust is a huge issue with me. I keep slamming poor Scott with it.. That said boundaries are necessary and I am never completely sure where they should lie. I am seeing lately thought, that when love comes my way I doubt it and put up barricades, I also get reactive and try to push people away.. this is part of an avoidant and anxious attachment pattern. I don’t know why but it feels scary for me to be loved.. I have a Saturn Moon conjunction in my chart. I take that as an inheritance from two parents who had Sun Mercury Saturn conjunctions. Demonstrations and communications of love in physical form were very rare in our family.. We were more like to be hit that cuddled or I had to stand very still for long periods on a stool while Mum pinned different pretty dresses she was making for me on me (which I hated).. I think as a tom boy I was more comfortable just playing, though I did love singing and dancing but all of that exhuberance was a bit frown upon in my serious, far older family..
It a funny case of synchronicity as in the novel I am reading at the moment Broken Blue Sky the male character comes from a stoically repressive household in which his Dad tears his mother apart, as a result he never wants a family, but his wife (who dies before the book starts) comes from an open, loving, physically demonstrative family and she longs for a child. The resonances were not lost on me. I feared bringing a child into the world which is why I had several pregnancies terminated.
Anway I see more clearly right now with Mercury moving back over my Mum’s Sun Mercury Saturn conjunction in Scorpio the legacy I inherited and how my capacity to love and connect got arrested so early on and then how fear erected barricades as so much trauma began to befall me from the age of 17 to 31. But the roots of feeling anxious to connect and more comfortable alone or detached lie in childhood where I was left alone in the family pattern.
I have cried for the losses over these past 4 years of therapy and each time my sister is hospitalised but I know we could never have lived a different past.. I had to work through the complex family inheritance. On that subject last night I picked up a lecture on family inheritance given by Juliet Sharman Burke at the Center for Psychological Astrology in the 90s last night. It spoke of a child who carried the sadness over a mother’s hidden secret love.. once the mother addressed the secret (she had an affair before her daughter was born) the child’s symptoms healed. The truth is we carry all of this attachment pain for parents until we make it conscious.. So we are not at fault for ‘stuffing up’ in life, its all down to the inheritance as well as the temperamental nature we bring in to this life.. For myself sensitivity opened me so powerfully to the family unconscious, that I almost drowned in it.. But now I have a new chance.. To see the patterns and reactions and make another choice…the choice to open my heart and move away from intellectual detachment into open hearted spontaneous living.
I also felt today that whatever happens I will be okay from here on in as I have now the capacity to hold myself through it all. I am prepared for the cascade of memories and healing that will accompany the next few weeks of Mercury and Mars retrograde… I thank God that as it squares my Mars Saturn Moon Mercury will trine my Chiron wound in Pisces in the 7th house.. I had major Pluto transits to this when I got sober and so it was time to see my wounds and a big one was the one from and with my Dad (Dad had Chiron opposite his Venus and square to Pluto and Libra rules the Venus connected 7th house). Yesterday in therapy I heard Dad saying he was proud of me.. I think of my sister who carries so much of his pattern and of the dynamic between he and Mum’s anger outbursts. I then recognise what my sister struggles with internally and have more compassion. I just know without a doubt we are all vulnerable in the places of wounding and being wounded is not a fault or a flaw it is a gift of a kind, a dark gift, but one that should we choose to be conscious and strong enough to unwrap may help us grow in many ways, in depth, in soul, in insight and in wisdom but for that to happen we must surrender our barricades as well let them dissolve with the tears we shed or get blown apart by the anger we feel that speaks of the life force we can no longer deny expression.
Emerging From The Dark Night 