Ventilating our truth ; bypassing the guardian of shame

I sometimes wonder why others follow my blog for so long, or what makes them move away, I think lately of how in trying to articulate my own ‘truth’ how it can morph and vary at times.. Reading some recovery writing on what happened for recovering addict and bulimic Glennon Melton Doyle today as she began to start to tell her ‘truth’ and let down her mask was interesting reading.. When she told her sister that she was opening up to other Mums (who were at that time complete strangers in the play park) about her past and present issues, addiction, bulimia and human fraility her sister advised her it may not be the best thing to do and to exercise some discretion, and in time she learned how to do this..Never the less opening up drew many people to her and gave others the courage to be real too.

That truth telling resonated with me, that when you start to open up and share honestly about your carried shame and flawed humanity that encourages others to firstly, either start to be more honest, or secondly run a mile due to horror, antipathy and judgement.. As she says in either case you learn where you stand and its good for shame reduction to bear the truth. For those of us with a fear of rejection who were told it was wrong to be honest that can be difficult but its a necessary thing.

Today confronting the reality of past years in which I allowed myself to be pulled in by someone’s promises dependent upon material aid, and then to brave enough to cut the help.last October, only to be convinced again to do it in March and let down again in July, with even more pressure put on me until a few weeks ago when I finally said NO! has been burning me.. I just walked around the block with Jasper crying tears of frustration… That said past is past.. What is done is done and I would never again allow myself to be put under this kind of pressure to offer financial help. Part of me is so upset I believed it all for a second time and terrified if certain people found out I could have been so stupid, to trust for the second time.. but there you go..I WOULD RATHER OWN THE TRUTH AND SUCK IT UP THAN PRETEND AND LIE AND HIDE.

It feels far more freeing to me to be humble. It feels better to face the truth I did a not very sensible thing under the grip of illusions.. I would rather ‘grow down’ through this experience with a harsh and painful reality than refuse to face it and continue to persist in illusions.

I also got my act together to go over earlier to visit my sister in psyche facility today, I am realising that I need to keep opening to the truth we do no fully know one another based on past painful experiences.. Yesterday I realised that in the aftermath of Mum’s death we both struggled to be loving, I also see my sister was put to death on some level at times in the family. Luckily this family friend who has remained so loyal to my sister took her out to get her hair fixed yesterday.. Today I apologised to her if any comment I made in the past about her hair was hurtful, and told her I felt sad about how it affected her. Its easy to say that worrying about a hairstyle is all about ‘ego’ but we deserve to be happy with the way we look and make the choice of how we like ourselves to appear, in terms of personal taste… And just maybe sometimes I can be a bit outspoken.

I left my sister after an hour and a half in time to go get a substantial lunch and got home a while ago and took Jasper around the neighborhood for a walk. I like the fact of feeling more connected and I am trying harder to make friends with my own loneliness at times. I had the realisation today that if I had been able to hold myself in my own loneliness in those months after Mum died I may not have go involved with someone after my money.. I believed all the lies and over rode my own feelings to keep giving and he put me under a hell of a lot of pressure.

It was helpful and enlightening to read in James Hillman’s book on the Soul’s Code today about how our society does not like to recognise the spiritual and soulful need to experience, at times, an almost existential loneliness. We are taught its not okay to feel lonely and to stay alone when we do, that all loneliness can be cured by company (also untrue). He suggests, instead, that maybe at times our loneliness is a door inwards we need to open and in so doing face the depth of the feeling that may have been present from childhood and not rush instead to make it ‘wrong’ or to fix or ‘cure’ those feelings.. Maybe there is something creative and therapeutic in being able to bear with and contain such feelings as they teach us something and may often serve as a fuel for some kind of creative project, art, writing, self expression or poetry.

At times I find comfort in my aloneness. At times lately its okay to know my truth is my truth and does not always apply to everyone and does not always have to be broadcast.. That said, as in the case of Glennon I feel I can exhale when I tell the truth and most especially when I write. She shared in another chapter that when she cannot write she often tends to climb the walls. The metaphor she uses is that reading is, for her, like inhaling and writing, like breathing out… I can identify with that..

Julia Cameron suggested a similar therapy to help us when she recommended the use of morning stream of consciousness writing unedited by the inner critic. We may not want to share this stuff at first but part of writing and self expression involves giving ourselves the permission regardless of its goodness or badness and sometimes we may be the only audience we need. Just to get that shadow stuff out there that may have been inadmissable before.

Many writers concur that getting writing past the inner critic can, at times, be a huge battle but sometimes is just better to open the door of our being, heart, soul mind to ‘release the bats” (a metaphor used by author DBC Pierre for a book on the craft of writing given the same name. Our truth is our truth and we have a right to it.. regardless of anything the inner or outer critic has to say about the matter.