Some days are tough, you wake up and cry tears for the family you miss, as you age you see more clearly the path you took, the reactions you had, the times you went after what wasn’t right and didn’t work, you also begin to see things in yourself you could not before and understand things that worked against happiness. I felt tears just falling softly a short while ago as I pottered around putting on washing and feeding Jasper, making myself a hot lemon and cardamon tea. Family from Holland reached out yesterday, and it was so lovely to read the news.. I hope to go visit when Covid restrictions ease up, I feel so Dutch, like that is a huge part of me I didn’t get to explore with Dad’s emigration to Australia..I felt so much of myself in the people I met overseas when I did visit… its a part of life I would love to explore sometime in the future.
I feel a softening around my heart and being lately. I woke to intense body symptoms about 4.30 am, the full Moon shines in on me at night and I had a lot of memory going on involving my ex partner, Phil because last night some love notes he wrote to me in the morning years ago when he left to go surfing or to work fell out of a book I picked up. It always hurt to wake up alone just to a note and not a hug, it was a repeat of being alone as a child and I got angry about it often.. I look back now to that relationship and see the things in me that hurt him, like my depression and strong need for introversion as an empath. At that point I had not done enough work in therapy to be able to be functional in a challenging relationship. I blamed him so often coming out of it, or I blamed myself, I now see it was all as it was meant to be at the time, we both had growing to do in different directions. I also thought of the good things in him and the loving gestures even though later things he did hurt me so so deeply…
Then waking a hour ago the upset with myself at ‘lending’ nearly all of my savings to someone who may still have been a scammer started to burn me, but I stopped the anger and pain by doing my forgiveness practice as I asked God for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.. that gave me the necessary softening and peace.. Sometimes anger and rage and frustration or a storm feel easier and they give us a sense of power or false control, but so often that just ends up hurting our bodies. For me its a case of needing awareness of my feelings and why the exist., gaining acceptance that so much can be out of my control while not everything is, and then taking action in a positive way….not hurtful or self destructive ways, maybe I am finally maturing.
I felt the sadness over distant family today, I just asked my Dutch family to keep in touch and told them how I love and need them, then I cried for the little child who had deny all of that and put on a stoic, strong, impenetrable, independent front and deny need.. It is good that I ask now and not cover over my need or vulnerability… And yes I also know I can be strong as well as vulnerable..
It is a gift I could get on and take positive action in the face of Mum’s death and my sister’s collapses.. I feel the grace of god and life energy available to me and it helps me to empower myself through positive loving actions : when I concentrate on my breath, get out of my head and my dramatic or reactive ego and touch base with both my inner life and the life in nature and the world that is filled with positive vibes… that is what heals my soul and stops the negative spiral down.
After my brekkie Jasper and I will go out into nature, I will take my book. I can survive the lonely feelings now that come and go, they are a part of me, as a child I knew so much isolation and emptiness and loneliness…but I think of the gifts too…. and I know others feel the same and somewhat set apart as when I take the risk to open up and share others feel safe enough to do so too… So many of us are hungering for meaningful connections now but the road to meaning for me lies within first and through that I can find a path into the world if I so chose into meaningful relationships with others, or at least, I hope I can, its what I am praying for lately.. A way to help others and be there in some way, to find a way to give back some of the love, compassion, empathy and understanding I so longed for when I was facing some of my darkest moments. For it is in giving that we receive. As we say in AA “we keep it by giving it away!”
Emerging From The Dark Night 