Being there for me : evening reflections

My therapist so often doesn’t take public holidays and one of my sessions falls on a Monday and I think there are about 5 or 6 public holidays that fall on a Monday.. I was pleased to hear she is taking the October Labor Day long weekend, even if it means we miss a session because she gives so much and needs to take care of herself.

I am so grateful to her for the consistent support she has shown to me, over the past 4 years.. Lately I keep wondering what it might be like to no longer go to therapy, I consider a path I could find out into the world to help and relate with others because at this point in my recovery I would really like to be able to give back and move outside of myself… Yes, its very valuable to have times of solitude and in nature, those are the times I value most, I also value my home life, even if its often just Jasper and I, for so long I longed for a partner then I went through all the grief with ‘Scott’ and I see what my longing to be connected cost. That said for the few years after Mum died it meant a lot to be in touch with someone most days (if only via text) because when someone dies no one much hangs around to care and grieving seems to be a fairly solitary business. And then my sister got ill and unable to cope apart from a 9 month time of coming right to address things in the wake of Mum’s death. She opened up for a while only to shut down and the other day I reached out to ask a friend if she will come with me to sort out Mum’s ashes as its nearly 3 years since she passed and this has still not been done due to our family checking out.

I am reaching out more these days.. Its important for those of us recovering from neglect to recognise H.A.L.T. those times we get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Such prompts are signals we need to exercise self care. Progressively over running our boundaries or isolating can lead to a deficit inside. The fine balance between necessary solitude to heal and be in touch with our core as well as a slower more rhythmic pace of life will oscillate with those times we need the kind of company that enriches and affirms us, and coming into recovery nurturing relationships may be thin on the ground. Yes, we must learn to self nurture to then be able to give that back out into the world.. Lately deep inside my heart I feel the flow of loving wanting to move outward and forward again.

Recognising who is safe to share feelings with takes time.. We cannot heal in isolation, especially if we had significant attachment wounding or abandonment trauma. Pete Walker outlines in detail in his book Complex PTSD : From Surviving to Thriving, how the abandonment trauma can manifest and lack of self love does not help us to know how to hold the scared or hurting, lonely child in us that at times got so hurt, sidelined or deprived.

I remember now all the times my own abandonment trauma was triggered in unhealthy relationships so short on validation…. I think of how in my wounding I attracted someone wounded too and I looked to them for what they could not give.. I think of how it took me so long, even in recovery to avail myself of a good consistent loving therapist and of the times therapy fell apart due to unskillfulness either on my part or the part of one of my therapists. I understand more now of how anxious and avoidant attachment patterns played out in therapy, too. Luckily I eventually ‘repaired’ this schism with one of my first therapists about 14 years into my sobriety,

Sadly disordered attachments lead us to run from the thing that hurt us most, which is not surprising if you come to think of it.. but attachment wounds cannot be healed permanently alone by transpersonal sources although some sense of a loving power that is greater than or beyond us, or that contains us lovingly is also essential to our healing as well as eventually integration of painful rejected emotions that we require a relationship with in order to become whole… In very acute damaging trauma protective trans-personal sources may not always be benevolent or for our eventual healing.. they may function to try to keep us safe from a world perceived to be too threatening to the hidden younger part of us. As therapist Donald Kalsched has pointed out, such ‘protector’ figures may actually lead us to abort therapy or relationships when the heat and fear of abandonment that lingers is triggered, but if we keep fighting and cannot surrender to the love we miss a crucial watershed.. even if it means opening up to the very very pit of a most acute pain.

I know the times I have been so close to pulling the pin on therapy due to some natural misattunement were very difficult to manage, but having a therapist who owned her part always helped me.

There was also a time I was calling Kat a little too much outside of sessions, and it was helpful to know there were times I could not always look to her, but had to build my own container, having a place or skills and resources to turn too if things got tough…..

Anyway it felt good to be able to accept Kat’s need for a break today… I am feeling stronger lately and the inner critic is not tearing me apart quiet as often as he used to do which is a relief.. I am managing the frustration of having my inheritance blocked reasonably well. Money fears rise up but I know I have enough to get by with for a while and I can always look for solutions.. That is when I know fear and anxiety do not have quite as much power to derail me as in the past. Coming to know I am okay as I am even having lost so many pieces of myself is a relief. It makes it easier to relax and not have to keep spinning so fast in a world that so often seems geared to busyness. This afternoon I have so many reasons to be so grateful for my 26 (nearly 27 years) of sobriety.

I am grateful most of all for all the tears and all the amazing support on WordPress, you guys have saved me on so many many days over the past 6 and a half years of blogging and without you my healing would have taken far far longer, been far lonelier and maybe even impossible. I love when you open your pain, it makes me know mine is natural and I love it when you share your strengths and gains as well as your weaknesses for in the end we are all human, all struggling in our different ways, often looking around thinking others seem not to be.