The less I know : feeling uncertain and tired of the struggle

I felt the complete exhaustion of the struggle to be alive and keep generating my life today.. A conversation with someone online brought me to tears, it made me recognise that I am not strong at times, I am vulnerable and I cannot even have the courage of some convictions others have.. at times I can feel amorphous. I know I am not completely so, I just know life has thrown a lot at me and sometimes I don’t help myself and I struggle to set boundaries, even with myself. I have that extra cup of coffee or fly off the handle at someone, (often for a justified reason) and then at times it all feels far too much for me. I feel I cannot take another step forward..

This afternoon I have been hobbling around all bent over because the intensity of managing the frustration over 2 years and 4 months of the debacle with Scott has got me to the end of my tether.. no one is going to believe what the true story is, I cannot even share with another soul about it and I am not going to lay it all open here tonight.. It just makes both of us cry.. that forces in the world would conspire to stop something with potential to be of help to two parties, and to have been offered help a while back only to have the person completely disappear on me.. I understand why and it is fair enough, but at the moment roadblocks just seem to be abounding.. And I have a screaming headache.. Welcome to transiting Mars in Aries retrograde square Saturn.

Yes there is a time to fight, to set boundaries but sometimes its not always clear if someone is abusive or just confused and catching you up in their net of defense mechanisms and confusion.. Sometimes its not so easy to say who and who is not the ‘good’ or the ‘bad’ guy. And if someone has a bit of jealousy towards you they cannot own and then project or use to confuse others that is tough. Often it is not clear and then you also see the part you played in creating schisms at one time or keeping yourself in prison by your failure to act and set a boundary at the time as the abuse was subtle or you recognised the part your own fear of confrontation or difficulty with healthy emotional awareness and expression played in things o

It was super wet here today.. my spins were so so bad. I must have only managed 3 or 4 hours sleep last night after waking 3 or 4 times.. It was a push to get going and I didn’t get Jasper out, he is sitting right now looking longingly out of the window.. Instead took my self out after having a big cry fest after a conversation which I felt myself to be so defective and broken… I just got a warm take away meal at Westfield and sat and ate it and then spent some time in the car with a terrible reaction to having eaten food.. my body is trying to contain so much at present and I am alternating between grief and longing, frustration and anguish and then letting go as well as confusion and spasm.. I am sure tomorrow may be better… I just feel super exhausted at present… and I know I pushed myself a bit hard this week…

The week started well but it spun out midweek when I got very very angry over all of the frustrations and blockages of the past 2 years… and there is no word at all about our inheritance which makes me feel so bereft and powerless. I have rung the accountant about it about 6 times now and my brother just doesn’t seem to care. If only I had got away and been more independent.. have really been hitting myself hard about this today.. but I also have to accept I did the best at the time, most of the time I have been so super responsible with money, but I chose to try to help someone and the situation got blown out by the powers that be. At the moment I am waiting to hear if some of it can be returned as at this stage I only have enough money left to last a few months.. If nothing moves forward soon I am going to have to think about selling my place, or maybe renting out the spare room.

I just have to remember there are always solutions and not to allow myself to get too down about things today… I am just feeling so tired and disillusioned today .. I just have to remember to try and accept what I can and remember that things do change with time. what looks bleak today may transform in the future .. if I just keep a positive frame of mind.