Been crying a lot this afternoon reading Dr Karyl McBrides book on daughters of narcissistic mothers. The tears are for my living sister too. I doubt she’ll ever reach these understandings since I see now with stark irrevocable clarity how narcissism affected us both. I understand the justified rage at being erased psychologically and will never again shame myself for it.
Appearances dominate over feelings in the narcissistic household run on a fear based perfectionism. Doing is equated with value NOT BEING MOST ESPECIALLY NOT BEING YOUR RAW UNBRIDLED SELF. Compliant people don’t make waves and are easily manipulated and a child whose needs go unattended to or noticed is a child that learns to bury her own and not notice her true ones. No one really shows up in a real warm engaged way in the narc household that is full of frost and one way mirrors.
In addition attempts of the child to live as and express her real self are cut down they may often even enrage the narc parent who was similarly cut down. The inner feelings and vulnerability get split off but the sensitive child in this situation will learn to caretake those in others and learn to become either a driven over achiever or a person geared to patterns of self hatred and sabotage or a life time of becoming a caretaker or satellite to someone else needing ongoing mirroring.
Thus starts the set up for often life time long empty relationships based on unrecognised projections and complex struggles with all kinds of addictions and self improvement programs.
There is hope though. Many such painful relationships open us to the truth. We must not continue to reject the hidden child and her true needs and feelings buried deep. We must allow our full grief and rage their full force of expression so we can in recognising what got buried split off or lost. We must learn also to love the very being of the one rejected over generations and through this love and protection guide her out of a cold wilderness into a world of love, acceptance, healing, approval and warmth.
Emerging From The Dark Night 