I find getting all of my anger or rage out often then allows me to soften into love and also to deepen into an understanding of why I was upset.. .. I do not know if others have experienced this too, but when I was young anger was not so allowed in my family and so it became scary to express it.. that was not good for me because sometimes I was expressing anger about something I did not like, this left a legacy of unfelt anger inside of me and that has been kicking around me inside of me for a long time. I also had to turn myself inside out to be seen and this has become a huge problem for me in later life and drawn me toward narcissistic types and when I need to fight them I find I roll over.. lately I am just learning to walk away as you often will not win a fight with a strong willed narcissist.
So not being able to protest was difficult and left me prone to accidents, not being able to get to grips with and understand the basis for my angry feelings also left me emotionally ineffective and illiterate.. I also had this experience of being so full of life and energy in a very repressive older family and so in many ways I felt held back or held in. Lately I am working more on patience but I also know there is a justified reason for feeling a bit ripped off by my upbringing,I just have to be careful where the fall out goes.
I have had a lot of frustration in one ongoing relationship for a few years now.. I cant really share a lot about it here as I had in the past but I know now the limits come from worldly checks and balances so I have to be careful at not off loading it on the person. AT times too I feel I have almost been used to help the person with something that was their responsibility.. Who knows if the situation was not sent by God, its the conclusion I have been coming to lately and I see how its allowing me to look at past anger as well as the way passivity has affected my life..
At times I have needed to grasp the nettle and take responsibility for things in my own life.. Anyway allowing myself to get angry then helps me fall into the feelings of sadness and longing for what I missed and how disappointed, unseen and angry this made me in the face of the world even though I hid a lot of this by then seeing the world as an unsafe place in which it was almost impossible to participate in fully and so I no longer took the risk. I can now comfort the inner kid in me that got hurt and learn not to take stuff as personally or turn disappointment into a negative world view.
Lately it feels pretty good to be coming alive and to find things are safer than I thought and that I can even manage the outfall when they are not.. Good therapy has helped me to know that when I am angry that is for a good reason and not an aberration and may mean I have to make some changes or move to a level of acceptance of certain realities and people’s natures I cannot and should not change. It may also be a sign I need to set a boundary or walk away for a time, but it often does not mean I then need to shut someone out, probably only open up a dialogue, if that is possible while learning with whom and why not it is not.
We spoke a bit about the power of shame in therapy yesterday, I shared some of Curt Thompson’s writings with Kat and we spoke about how powerful the feeling of being about to die or feeling annihilated is in shame..I have heard people write about feeling awash or drenched and flooded in shame. (this relates to experiencing a feelings of profound vulnerability and humanness that others may have tried to eradicate in us at an earlier age… shame bound feelings.)
Curt write that shame is a sign we need to move towards something or someone rather than further away.. this is echoed as in her book on Calming the Emotional Storm Sheri van Dijk says that sometimes in order to heal and resolve old patterns we have to act contrary to the way we feel, so sometimes when angry instead of attacking we need to withdraw and work on our feelings and triggers, When we feel sad rather than isolate and withdraw it is a better idea to approach others and ask for comfort or support, with anxiety often we try to leave or escape a situation when really its better to face it and act despite the anxiety,. With shame and guilt (when unjustified and the result of having healthy aspects of ourselves rejected) we are better to share about and unmask the shame or guilt.
The point Sheri makes and that I have experienced too is that sometimes acting on our emotions rather than from our wise self we actually prevent ourselves from taking effective action.. I have experienced lashing out in anger to often be unhelpful myself but still it has been important for me at times to do it, in order to understand the full meaning of its cry.
I have began to be able now to understand when it is triggered and catch myself in time to withdraw to work out what the trigger is so that I can react more effectively… Lately I have noticed that being pulled around by my feelings may not always be helpful even though expressing them to my deepest self is most necessary. Knowing that anger and shame and sadness exist for a reason though, also allows me to take them seriously and learn more effective ways of dealing with them as well as acknowledging common human limitation around them we all suffer.
And as far as unnecessary shame at not being ‘perfect enough’ to be loved and accepted as I truly am… that too is becoming something I am aware has had such a powerful hold over me and sadly kept me in prison for too too many years.
Emerging From The Dark Night 