Step 11 states that part of recovering from addiction involves a time of meditation in which we make an attempt to connect with God or a higher power.. In the early days of sobriety the form of this God was not strictly dictated in AA, I heard that even if you don’t believe in God maybe you could find some power ‘greater than yourself’ to turn to, whether that be the group, or nature, or an animal, or even music.. Some began to turn towards the still, quiet voice inside.. For me, in those early days a huge Moreton Bay fig very close to home by the harbor in Sydney became my go to place to connect with this voice in the silence..today I was reminded of that reading the reading and thought how I need to do more of it.. It seems to me too that somehow this force is connected to our soul and intuition as well.
I just put a call through to my sister to touch base re the tops, it felt not great as that is really the least of her concerns right now and I think the fact I cried for a lot of the visit on Saturday may have made her feel like its all been too much, which in many ways it has. She sounded so quiet and flat and we don’t ever talk deeply, really.. not like I can talk to my therapist or AA friends, that said at times in the months before she fell down again emotionally we did get close and share feelings.. So tonight after the call I really just needed the quiet of this wind time time of day when dusk steals in to feel the truth of that..
I love the dusk best. I was born at dusk. I love the fading of the light and how nice it feels to be cosy in my own home with the night stretching before me… Earlier Jasper and I had a late walk by the lake and sitting in the car a magpie siddled up as they do and when I talked to it, it stayed around for quiet a while looking at me.. in time another bird joined it and I then said hi to both my Mum and sister who is passed.. spiritual teachers sometimes say birds come close when spirit is close.. I don’t know but I do know that bird connected with me earlier and looked me straight in the eyes and that made me smile..
These are the little moments of serenity that mean a lot and fill my soul.. they connect me and make me feel happy. Lately the silence seems to contain more wisdom than words.. I write analytical things about how I feel about my sister. dissecting all the in and outs about how I think she is behaving then feel its not the truth anyway, only my second guess work or perception… tonight I just asked higher power’s guidance and the answer I got is that more is going on than meets the eye.. My sister and I find it hard to connect and I know my limits now..
Truth is sometimes I just enjoy a simple visit with her without too much of a head trip going on.. where it gets sticky is when I have to choose clothes… that does my head in and I did try to express this on Saturday to her.. the truth is I still tried today anyway.. She doesn’t have anyone else to ask and it feels mean not to help….
Anyway tonight I feel pretty peaceful…I feel okay.. I didn’t even really miss therapy too much today..and I got some work done in the garden.. things are really quiet good when my head slows down. Truth is there is so much I am not in control of and I only suffer when I fight against or try to control the things I cannot. And sometimes sitting still and just feeling my feelings while deepening into the silence to hear my higher power’s voice or advice from within is the way to go.
Recognising that the world answers to its own Higher Power
is inviting serenity’s peace to embrace me.
Hope for Today : November 3, p. 308
Emerging From The Dark Night 