So, so much to process after visiting my sister yesterday and seeing her all cocooned in that white blanket, following yesterday’s session of shock treatment, her face was so pasty. She was with it and capable of conversation even if very relaxed and slow.
Looking under the blanket I saw she had a new top on, her clothing is a primary concern for her at the moment as she only had a couple of tops and she felt she needed more. I was pleased to hear that her friend John had visited her on Monday and she asked him to take her to the closest shops to look for a top. I thought that was a good sign, she needed something and asked for help to get it… Big Gold Star.. She tried on the three tops I got on Tuesday and said they would do.. she wasn’t critical of them, but I know she may decide on reflection she does not like them, that said I nearly cried tears of gratitude that I had at least been able to be effective in some way in helping her.. even if its only for something external.
What hurt more was when she started discussing our inheritance and how its being divided down the middle and will have to pay me the difference of the value of the unit Mum left to her. This hurt as I don’t own as many properties as her, not that it really matters… I told her I could waver on the difference but she was crying poor and I just don’t understand why.. That said, money doesn’t buy happiness if you cannot feel good inside what is the point of having all of the money in the world? And I told her I go through guilt over the inheritance on some level and so this plays with me in a way and I already gave over on the coast house after I found it hard to go there and then got pushed out. I know that is my fault in some way but they never made me feel welcome or acknowledged the depths of all the associations that place has for us with our family trauma and loss of Dad. Sometimes I wonder if she is trying to manipulate me. She said so many nasty things to me in the past before and they really hurt. I could not do this to a sister who was younger and I felt I should protect.
I awoke several times in the middle of the night, aware that the ancestral pattern is playing out in her life with her being institutionalised just as our Great Great Grandfather was.. I see her in the same position as my older sister was before she died – nearly bed ridden and not capable of moving or grabbing onto life or any sense of personal power or agency.. it flummoxes me completely even with all the therapy I have done..
At 4 am I had fantasies of making it to the hospital at 7 am tomorrow to confront the doctor giving her the shock treatment, carrying a copy of Mark Wolynn’s book on multi-generational trauma at the same time as the axis of my spine is spinning with the moves and imprints after waking up at 3.30 am.. How do I save my sister from this ancestral fate???? I then think of emailing Mark Wolynn to ask his help. While there yesterday she told me how scared the shock treatment makes her and I said I understand as it scares the fucking hell out of me.. it just feels SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS BUT SHE IS CHOOSING THIS.
Sleep comes again after all the spiralling stops.. and I can rest but when I wake I am all swollen up in my body. When I got back from the hospital Scott and I texted for just under an hour and then I was famished and I ate one and half pieces of toast as well as half a packet of potato chips before having my dinner of salmon and veg.. I then ate some strawberries with a little bit of ice cream and cream and had 3 small portions of chocolate.. this worries me and it affects my body which feels congested..
I had to meet my friend Jane for a coffee at 10 am but I got there.. I can talk to her about all of this with my family, she knows how I have struggled, she tried to encourage me to take some space from trying to heal things for my sister, tells me she also had a sister with OCD and bi polar who is often suicidal… we speak about a lot of things including my parents, (both her parents were Dutch and left Holland after WWII like my Dad.) Jane lost her father and mother in her 50s too and said how much processing she had to do in the aftermath of her mothers’ death especially.. The older sister with OCD and perfectionism bullied her a lot and was her Mum’s favorite and often blamed Jane for things as the third youngest that she didn’t do. Jane told me she can only see her sister for small portions of time, otherwise their past history does her head in. This sister of hers with OCD was most closely bonded to their mother and had a breakdown after she died and had to get therapeutic help at a facility that seems to be more specalised than the one my sister is currently in.
The other deep connection between Jane and I is that she trained and practiced as an early childhood teacher (which is what I wanted to be but Dad blocked me from becoming in my early 20s and I cried today sharing that pain with her and telling her how my addiction worsened in the aftermath.. a lot of our conversation was about kids being allowed or not allowed to be themselves. She spoke about her experience of kids who tantrum, why it is and how to help them get focused and unscrambled, she said the tantrums only become worse when parents don’t know how to respond to the little child’s needs, confused feelings and frustrations.. I told her how I was so often sent to my room alone with feelings too large to managed as a youngster and how much I missed my older sister when she left as she got me and affirmed me… Jane affirmed how hard that must have been for me and that it was wrong for my parents to shame and isolate me as a result of their own lack of skills… not their fault, but not mine either!!!
Thank God for Jane… there is a lot more to share of things we spoke about.. It was so good to be connected to someone on the outside who has gone through similar things, though it seems her sister got better help than my sister did… I wish my sister could get therapy to help her make sense of things going on.. I think Mum’s death has hit her hard, but they were so enmeshed and that was complex for my sister, is something only she can choose to unravel within herself and I see the same pattern of meanness and fear over money and think its not healthy either.. That said money is not something I want fight over or put up a a priority, but neither do I want to collapse in the face of her mythological impoverishment. I do deserve this financial support as it is what both my parents would want.. My sister is not in her right mind right now and spending too much time around her I can get scrambled again.. I can be there to help but at this point my desire to be fully alive is stronger than the desire to be confused or put back to sleep or overpowered in trying to help something I never created or caused heal.
Emerging From The Dark Night 