My grounded AA buddies always put me back in a good place when I feel myself to be a bit scrambled as I was again today. I managed to get up and out early with the car and got it to the service place on time, while also managing to drop back my library books that were overdue. I walked from the service dealership to the shops which is 10 minutes away and then had a browse for clothes for my sis.. ended up buying my self a jumper on sale and then sat down at the cafe for a coffee… I saw in the distance an elderly father of my good friend from school and Al Anon, he doesn’t know me well but as he walked past my table on his walker he smiled and that warmed my heart.. I thought of my friend and sent her a text just to tell her and say hi.. things were feeling good at that point, I even managed to read some of my novel that I am really enjoying.. The Temple House Vanishing.
Looking around the cafe I saw a lot of love and connection, mothers with daughters, husbands with wives, a disabled lady in a wheelchair (just like my older sister) with a lady who looked to me like her sister.
But then I knew I had to get cracking to try and find these tops for my sister and this is right about the time I started to begin to get a bit scrambled.. I saw about 8 different potential ones, and ended up buying 3, not knowing if she is going to like them as when I texted her the photo of one, she told me to decide, this is what gets to me at times, she has lost touch with what she wants or needs. Anyway I pressed on. I then got a salad to take home and jumped in a cab with an Indian driver with pretty bad BO. but he was fine with me opening the window. Part of the way home the gardener called, he was at my place and I had ‘forgotten’ he was cool about it when I told him about Sue and the car.. he just said to call him in a week or so, I apologised profusely for stuffing him around but he knows how scrambled I get at times and took it all in good stride. Never the less that made me burst into tears and the driver asked me ‘why are you crying?” I explained as best I could.
Jasper ran to greet me as I walked in the front door. I felt a flash of guillt for not having walked him but tried to talk some reason into myself. I felt so overwhelmed at that point that I decided to make a call to my AA friend, Jeff. Prior to this I took out the tops and thought of how I need to get them over to my sister soon and then meet another friend we know to drop off the letterbox key, I burst into tears.. this is just maybe some of the way I release pressure
One of the first things Jeff asked me, was if I was sitting down (I was), he reminded me to focus on my breath, (I did) and then to get a glass of water. We were able to talk through all of the ins and outs of things going on with Sue. He mentioned a lot about self love and self esteem which really resonated and encouraged me to continue to work to build my sister up and focus on her beauty and goodness. He also said how he mistakenly always felt to blame for each bad thing that happened to him in life, when really he was not. I am learning over the years that, that is pretty common for so many of us who go on to become addicts of one kind or another and it seems to me lately that almost all of our healing in sobriety involves working through the pain and faulty programming of our past that never taught us to love and affirm or to value our unique selves..
Co-dependents all too often come to think truth lies outside of us and learning that we are valuable, lovable and worthy of care and good things, not for having shit dumped on us or always made responsible for other flaws, deficits or problems takes some time.
Lately I am also seeing how difficult it used to be for me to feel able to bring my full self to relationships.. Thinking parts of me (or my feelings, emotions or reactions) were bad or wrong, I hid them, or repressed them.. Feeling unsafe I needed others approval and often would collapse or not be totally honest at times. I have also had to learn that others were not responsible for healing the wounds or fears I carried, in time only I could learn to do that.
Today I count my blessings that I don’t always lose my way.. I count my blessings for the moment of sanity that encourages me to stop, check in with my body, breath, lower my shoulders, cut the negative self talk and mind racing and just be for a moment or reach out to someone in the program who is full of insight.. These are islands of sanity that can appear as my head takes me places its not always best to go at times and sometimes just reaching out to connect with someone can help, even though I need to do it for myself too.
I realise I am still very vulnerable when it comes to my sister…. I am connected to her emotionally because I love and care for her and wish for her to be well, I know there are limits around how much I can help.. I can go shopping for those tops and tell her which ones I think look nice, but I know that is not healthy in many ways either as part of knowing who we are involves knowing what we like and it seemed so sad to me today that she told me to choose the best options.
I will never stop praying for sister while knowing the ultimate outcome of the battle taking place within her own heart, soul and mind is really up to her, but I also hope that love and encouragement from outside helps her a little. Maybe I over extend and get too caught up. It feels so anxiety provoking at times because so much deep grief and many feelings of powerlessness underlie my scramble.. that’s okay I am human I can neither love nor live perfectly.. I can only do my best on any day.. but for today I thank God not only for the grounding love of my friend in the fellowship but for the fact I loved myself enough to reach out.. and link to another human when I felt the need for support.
Emerging From The Dark Night 