Shock treatment

Sad news this afternoon to be told my sister is again following this pathway in her quest to get better. I thought of how in her book on anxiety and panic Bronwyn Fox speaks of how we look outside of ourselves so often for a cure forgetting it lies within.. Despite this I have to respect my sister’s choice and support her. This is not about me, it is about her, maybe it will help her despite my fears, who knows? I merely share it here to externalise it.

I cried some on the way home all the way mindful of my wonky temporary tire on the back wheel of my car. Is a highway trip there and I had to stay under 80 kms despite other drivers bearing down on me. I will help her with things she needs out of love. I tried to talk to her about self criticism, she seems to be drowning in it at present.. God knows how that feels, we all probably do.. this is a reminder to me to be kind to myself and to fight for life and hope and love. While at other times I see how fast humanity is moving and how far away from an embodied spiritual centre and it seems to me we are on a crash course for destruction. My Dad often used to say “each civilisation has the seeds of its own destruction planted inside of it.” That was going over and over in my mind this afternoon. I keep hoping we can wake up and join in love… and life does not last forever in the embodied form.

I came home, gave Jasper his birthday bone and got stuff prepared to eat while praying, questioning and texting Scott who tells me everything will be fine. I just don’t know the outcome of this.. All I can do is be a good sister and give when I am able to.. I know so much of this is so far outside of my control… it was hard news to hear but I am grateful she could tell me and that I could be real about my opinion but love her through her choices.. The best thing today I could do was give her a hug and tell her she matters. We all do.

As I drove home I thought too, of the innocent child my sister was, I thought too of Mum’s sadness at seeing her go through this before and how she is no longer here to share it with.. I could not help but feel my sister was on the brink of life when all of this happened in some way she put herself to death.. we spoke about this.. It was a sad image to think of her walking to the ECT treatment and being wheeled back afterwards in a wheelchair… just so damn sad..surely this is not what God planned when he created us, fit for a heaven on earth.. What have we become?