Some people a long while back who were ignorant tried to tell me I didn’t need a therapist. I remember having a big battle over this issue with someone in AA who actually got let down by hers right after her mother died… it took me about 7 attempts to finally find my current therapist although not all past ones were failures, in some cases it was a case of me not being ready. Now that I have Kat I know how important the holding of that space is for me, especially when my body gets discombobulated or i really struggle with longing and boundaries in challenging relationships where I seem to have to work hard to stay connected, being with Kat and being effectively mirrored returns me to me at such times.
I had a long time of not feeling safe anyway and establishing a sense of safety is very important for those of us with significant attachment and mirroring wounds… We often were not safe with our parents, caregivers or siblings.. It was not safe to have all of our emotions.. Sometimes we got inundated by our parents emotions, or sometimes we even got blamed for them. So is it any wonder the minefield of working out what does and does not belong to us is such a huge issue for so many of us?
I can still struggle in this regard. For a while in the absence of therapy I had Al Anon adult child meetings to go to but even there at times I was shamed or judged or sidelined, it was not really the other persons ‘fault’ just down to their level of consciousness or defendedness.. and this can be a tough issue for those of us attending those meetings who are what are know as ‘dual members’. I.E. we may be in recovery for addiction as well as affected by the long term consequences of the family history of it while dealing with others in the family still using, even if its only prescription medicines. We may then be faced in some meetings with adult children in a lot of anger with the addictive parent and get that dumped onto us if we share we were once active..
One thing that often challenged me in Al Anon was I was told not to share about my addiction and sobriety, but since it was such a huge part of my story this became difficult at times and in time I had to leave Al Anon meetings to attend personal one on one therapy.
Now I have more of a handle on how each of my siblings was affected by the long terms affects of grief, trauma, attachment wounds and separation issues things are a bit easier. Lately I am examining my role in the family system as the youngest with sobriety, who tries so often to heal what is not hers to heal… Lately I have let the anger over that come up as I realise in the absence of therapy my older sister lacks holding and so goes into hospital to get that holding. While not doing any inner work much on her past she uses the medication solution and other physical things (like ECT in the past).
I am still working through my boundaries with regard to all of this. Weekends are the hardest as I try to front up then to support her as I know she feels alone. I also have a lot on my plate at home and its not easy for me to always prioritise my own needs in such a situation…Kat my therapist keeps reminding me to stay as in tune as I can with my body to see what it is I need to do and can do for myself and others on any day.. My tendency can be to take on too much sometimes and feel I am not as capable to do as much as I could be at others..
My sister and I both came from a very emotionally dysregulated home with a lot of OCD aspects.. ones I still battle on a daily basis.. Often it was a case of no outside fun or involvement until home chores were done and that included taking care of our school uniforms and polishing our shoes to a strict schedule or process that was almost military in it precision.. A good friend of my sister’s enlightened me a few years back when she said to me ‘visiting your home was like visiting an army camp” Dad had been in the airforce but he was more relaxed in this than my Mum who I now know was an adult great grandchild of a very addicted grandfather.
Patterns do carry down.. As Kat said to me on Thursday they have deep roots which reach deep down into our being and cannot be pulled up easily and somethings may not be meant to be changed entirely… or if they are to be changed it is a case of time and lots of work to gain insight and attunement to necessary change.
The sense of being held in a safe space is important for many of us with very early relational trauma.. Knowing who is safe, as opposed to rejecting or abusive to us takes time as we often were taught to gaslight even ourselves in this regard, or punished if we tried to protest the truth… And safety takes a lot of time to build with a therapist.. An experienced therapist knows this and will not push us, they let us have our process and act as a mirror and guide while not encouraging an unhealthy dependency. Feeling safe does take time but when we do it them becomes easier to open up to both be real and change if that is necessary. This is not possible in a space that is critical, hostile, punishing, shaming or rejecting.
Emerging From The Dark Night 