I had a peaceful sleep last night though I was twisting and turning around after integrating a lot in therapy yesterday afternoon… I was able to get moving without the usual criticism after waking at dawn but later after I had a bath I found myself struggling again.. I looked around at all the things I own and thought of how isolated I became from the world, of how I found it hard to front up to support my husband when I had not developed my own career and of how he walked out..
I thought too of how lucky I have been in some ways to have the financial resources due to the hard work of my father and brother and mother and of how ungrateful I have been at times because it felt like I never got the time or intimacy I craved with them due to them being so preoccupied that at times it was hard to feel their love until lately… Then, later standing waiting for my coffee at a very busy cafe I thought of how so often I used to take the world and other people’s behavior so personally and how self centered the wound of my narcissistic injury at times made me. However, viewed from another level it was the lonely child in me that felt hurt and rejection and she had valid reasons for feeling angry, unseen and alone.. Earlier on our walk by the lake I also cried with the realisation that neither of my parents got to just be children and play, they both lost father at 7 and 12 years of age and endured so much emotional and financial hardship.
This sense of being rejected or not being able to feel the joy of life and spirit fully is something Henri Nouwen deals with as the core issue in his book Life of the Beloved. In that book he speaks of how in modern society we often do not feel special or chosen or valued by life because we place our sense of value in things outside or in the world’s opinion of us. Many of us were raised also by caregivers and in institutions that did not value the child as a spiritual source.
I am not saying that we should nourish a false opinion of ourselves but to know that we are valued and loved seems to be very important in life, as is the need to be in touch with an individual essence that does not need to conform to outside ideals to be loved.
Nouwen himself went through many years of depression in which he did not feel valued or loved, he wrote a powerful book at his lowest point called The Inner Voice of Love. This book was given to me by someone very special to me in sobriety many years ago who themselves struggled and had endured a lot, she was a person who found it hard to get close to others at times but had a very keen and perceptive eye for life and others. We are no longer in touch but I will always value her presence in my life even if we did have a clash which separated us 10 years ago when I had to stand up to her on an issue and she only wanted to judge me rather than see what really going on.
Before sitting down to write this though I got overcome with waves of guilt for having had to be so financially dependent upon my family. I had just called the accountant in charge of setting up the family trusts and for some reason I got hit with a wave of grief and guilt as soon as I got off the phone.. The words ‘spoilt’ came to me… because I have always had the money to buy whatever I want.. but earlier today spirit told me that each and every beautiful possession I have bought I bought because of its beauty or due to the quest for knowledge (books) or so I could enjoy another person sharing their experience or artistry (books of poems and films). I also have a love of scarves and fashion which is a legacy of being raised by a Mum who was a seamstress and later ran fashion boutiques with my sister in which I worked from the ages of 13 to 17 when I nearly died.
Why I suffer from this guilt I do not know.. When I came back to my home town I chose to not work due to the head injury. I wanted to get a dog and didnt want him left alone (as I was), I also wanted to be free to support both sisters and my Mum through various operations, and illnesses both emotional and physical. I beat myself up for being the carer but its what i chose to do from an open heart, but at times I see the independent life I longed to live as being so very far removed from me and then, when I get together with friends who work and achieve so much in the world I can feel so very inferior.. I judge myself for things I said that were just honest observations of society…
The path to unconditonal self acceptance is a long one for me.. Its also why I chose to read books such as Henri Nouwen’s. I am not alone in struggling with this issue.. I read this wonderful post by one of my favorite bloggers Benny K the other day and it so clearly articulated for me truths I have felt.
I remember after one AA meeting someone coming up to be after I had shared and saying “To thine own self be true” they must have sense how hard I often tried to turn myself inside out and the shame I felt at times for just being me with all my insecurities.
Today I blog about these issues to be as honest as I can.. I try not to self depreciate as much, or apologise as much but sometimes apologising for being myself just seems to come as second nature.. Kat said yesterday that outgrowing the older or false self can feel painful and we mourn the death of what we leave behind even if that means old patterns that did not serve us well. I seem to feel my eyes just watering of their own accord so often lately, maybe my whole body is grieving. But at times I also feel full of light. I know my battle with guilt and shame may go on. These days I try to just observe my mental processes without attaching as much.. Same with all of my many possessions, I know they are just temporary but for me they are still manifestations of soul. I don’t want to reject a physical world I see to be full of life and light and I dont want this bloody inner critic to keep tearing me apart.. For each day I get to live is a gift and thank God I am alive for it, even on the day I sometimes feel almost completely crippled with grief or anxiety.
Today
Emerging From The Dark Night 