Blow out

I blew my right hand tyre out today after leaving my sister’s unit to water plants that were not even there when I turned up.. I don’t know if this is some kind of message but I get annoyed at taking up the slack for others but after all its ON ME. I am the one who signed up to do it. No one was putting pressure on me. Last thing I want to do is play the victim but at the same time I need to take ownership.

The roadside assist turned up pretty quickly and put the temporary spare on the back after rotating the tyres from front to back. I was so grateful for that and I immediately called the dealership to book it in on Tuesday for a service as they need to check the wheel alignment so I was in adult despite having 5 minutes of extreme anxiety when it happened I had not yet surveyed all of the damage. The blown out tyre is not reparabale and will need to be replaced so all things being as they are I am lucky as my therapist always reminds me how vulnerable I am around my accident anniversary weekend. After going to the markets to get food I just go overcome with a tsumani of grief so huge I had to pull the car over and stop. It was as if everything from my entire past was coalescing.. I had images of Dad and Mum and felt the time of spring in our home time which is accompanied by trees full of blossom and lighter mornings, it was on just such a morning I crashed and nearly died. The flood of emotion was intense this afternoon I felt it was going to split me apart entirely and my head is aching a bit this afternoon in the aftermath.. these feelings are probably just to be expected at this time of year.

I like to write about it. I do this to externalise it though I know its boring for followers, this is my blog and I share it all therapy, it is a way of ‘holding’ myself between sessions and relieves some of the pressure i feel as lately I am not seeing much of anyone outside of therapy unless its people I deal with at the supermarket or shops or the occasional hello to a neighbour.

The intense pressure I felt before has let go a bit now.. I felt close to an aneurysm earlier today… I managed to get some good bones for Jasper, when I got home I quickly steamed him some carrots to put with his dog dinner roll, I like to give him lots of orange veggies like carrot and sweet potato as I know its good for him, he is snoring behind me right now. I marinated chicken for dinner.. oh and Scott texted to apologise for putting me under pressure and took the blame for all the stress he has been causing too.. that felt good. I did try to call my sister to find out what happened to the missing plants but I know she wont take the call. I just think if she isn’t going to make some effort to engage then I need to pull back, I get a bit fucking fed up, I am only human…anyway like I said at the outset I put my hand up so what is the point in getting resentful. .I don’t want to be a victim / martyr.. I just long for an engaged family. Ill never stop longing for them to reach out and feel happy when they do. I cannot deny it!!!

I thank God for the one nephew who keeps in touch, that is at least something, as well as the occasional call from my brother… I just have to take what i can get right now.. maybe I am like my ex husband used to say “like a church mouse surviving on scraps” though time in nature and other good things God offers are not just scraps… I just have to keep looking for and nurturing the good and listen to my annoyance when it tries its level best to get my attention.