Its hard to breathe today.. lately I felt the darkness stealing in again.. I really pushed myself on Saturday and Sunday, but messages ended up getting sent late which meant the Sunday brunch I thought I was asked to attend with two friends wasn’t going to happen, the text telling me where it was arrived 13 hours late, 20 minutes before hand, and then I had to rush to get there only to eat a meal I didn’t enjoy. And even though its always lovely to see these friends there is the shadow over it all of my unlived life, they both work in interesting jobs and are fully engaged in life.
When I got there it was hard to hear out of my right ear, and my friend’s brother has recently had surgery for cancer of the stomach.. It saddened me in the past when she criticised him, but a short while ago (and after his surgery) he revealed that all through school he was being bullied. He didn’t dare to tell the family and later became an addict and developed bi polar disorder, a condition he now manages. He found sobriety 23 years ago and my friend was saying how, while in hospital everyone gravitated towards him because he is at times like a child, full of hope and gratitude despite his condition as well as full of acceptance and love, like a lot of people in sobriety he made a powerful connection with God.. He doesn’t preach any of this (though he works with the Salvation Army). To me he is a real living example of the recovery.. But I am so glad he finally found the courage to speak up about his abuse.
I got home after the lunch and had a big spin out, on my mind was the fact I had not managed to see my sister in hospital the day before, I had texted her to say why and let her know I was sorry and hoped she had visitors. I pushed myself extra hard to get there on Sunday afternoon only to find she had plenty of visitors and couldn’t even show the courtesy of informing me of that fact via any kind of response to my text. . She bloody well knows I worry and a text may have put my mind at rest.. I sat there on Sunday fuming inside while my teeth hurt, add to this all the recent pressure Scott has been putting me under due to an ulcer that he claims has a chance of turning cancerous and I was really in a bit of state by Sunday afternoon..life never seems to cut me much slack, and I have real problems with taking on so much responsibility while my own needs seems to take a back seat. I should not be a victim in this regard. On Sunday I could have stayed home and practiced self care.
I’ve cut contact with Scott again after a pretty heated exchange on Saturday night. I am just sick to death of taking everyone’s stuff on. Today I am really struggling with that decision… was grateful to be able to share about it all in therapy yesterday and have Katina validate how I feel.
Today I just feel a bit shattered and exhausted and have been crying… I got into bed extra early last night and slept through till 3 am I then got back to sleep and woke just after 7 am which is a good sleep for me, but I needed it.. It so hard for me pulling back and I have such feelings of responsiblity that dog me, perhaps all tied up with my Saturn Moon. If I feel others in need I want to help but sometimes it is too much… And it hurts when nothing comes back.. Just writing all of this has helped a little bit, just to vocalise it.
I managed a late walk with Jasper this morning but was breathless for a lot of it, my digestion felt stuck again after breakfast.. I will make a healthy lunch in a minute as I had bread for breakfast with eggs and mushrooms and I have noticed that sometimes a bread breakfast has an adverse effect energy affect on my gut, unlike the positive energy giving one of eating pears, brazil nuts and corn flakes with rice milk. I am aware that watching the way foods affect my gut and all round energy level is a very important part of my recovery process, when emotional issues hit they really hit me in the gut.. I am a lot like my Dad in this way.. I have to watch my addiction to sweet things at night and reach for something healthy and detoxing like apple or berries.
The prospect that I may have to pull my energy away from deadening situations should make me feel happier but there is a huge sadness for me associated with moving away from old patterns.. I just need to remember there are a lot of opportunities out there i have not discovered yet and I wont be able to find them if I just keep holding onto the only things I know or staying safe in my ‘comfort zone.’ The Sun will cross my natal Pluto in the first house soon so that is a time of transformation and rebirth. Come to think of it my accident happening then in 1979 took me out of the mainstream and nearly killed me, it split me off from my school friends and took me into the Underworld, especially so then facing the near death of my older sister, Judith, about 5 months later.. In the following years I would deal with that trauma, her forced abandonment by her ex husband, a botched suicide attempt (hers), two terminations of pregnancy to a man who never truly loved or valued me and would only discard me as well as my father’s death.. It was a hell of a lot for a young woman to face over a 6 year period.
I am not sure why fate decided to bring into my life a man suffering from the same condition that killed my father at about the same time of year that he was diagnosed.. and while the Sun goes over natal Pluto.. He believes I am the one to save him, and that involves more money… Only God knows the answer, but I am tired, really worn out by it all at present.
Lately I feel the death urge very strongly.. it came up in therapy yesterday with Kat as a pull deep in my gut in some way connected back to my ancestor Thomas Matts Trudgeon who was the alcoholic who used to fly off the handle just as my mother did. I wish the ancestors would let me go to be free to live my own life.. It seems I chose death too many times or at least a very horrible version of non life when I decided to come back here to Australia 3 times, yet another part of me feels I had to face the family fate as well as the powerful hold of an emotionally neglectful family which can keep our inner child bound in unrequited longing for many, many years. Kat says I never go to separate psychologically and am still in the process of breaking free, but yesterday in therapy I heard suicidal voices again for the first time in months.
As spring hits, at times I feel the longing for life so strongly… at the same time I feel the forces of retrogression or catabolic energy (thanks to Benny K of the Written Addiction for using this term in a blog he posted the other day) pulling on me.. Today I had to be active in my mind with positive encouraging self talk to defeat the negating voice that only wants to see negativity and criticise everything in my life, seeing it as wrong or in error. This part of me only the ways i have failed, while failing to affirm how hard I had to fight to stay close and keep giving love while working as hard as I can in therapy to individuate and bring my true self to birth… I know the way I talk to myself on any day makes a powerful difference over whether or not I can move forward, embrace life and have a good day while seeking out that which brings peace, happiness and joy… getting into a relaxed state of mind and calm is so so important at present… it came to me yesterday I am not longer that young girl trapped in a car, unable to move or breathe, but on some days that hold is so powerful over me, I had to fight hard with everything in my power to know I do have the capacity to move forward, take positive action and nurture myself.
Emerging From The Dark Night 