A high degree of sensitivity or empathy can make us vulnerable, this is what I am noticing a I choose to spend more time just ‘being’ with my sister. I made the trek over to the hospital today and when I arrived her son was there, that changes the dynamic as he is more ‘out’ in the world and with his family has a lot to share or talk about, when its just my sister and I there is a lot quiet time. During these times my mind is not always quite and I am ‘feeling’ into her and at the moment there is a very still stagnant heavy energy at present, that said I know there is just as much of her there as there is when she is in a more elevated state.
I try not to judge where she is at.. but at times I feel myself becoming tired and lethargic after a bit of time spent with her.. At others I start to feel emotions that are not only mine.. I noticed too, since I have been visiting there is a ‘smell’ in my body that smells ‘off’, I had major spins the past few days after coming home, though not today.. Listening to the song The Year of the Cat on the way home brought waves of memories from our family time when Dad was alive and so, once again I found myself awash in tears. I was thinking too how so often when we talk, we actually talk over the top of underground feelings.. I notice lately I am more silent with my sister at the same time as my mood can go lower… I am realising more and more that I don’t have any power to change my sister’s mood and I am trying to stay as close and surrendered to God’s will in this situation as I can.
In deep depression so much is going on below the surface… the mind cannot make sense of this for the other person and some people find it exceedingly uncomfortable to stay with another at peace within that wordless space.. I know sometimes I have arrived in therapy and been unable to say a word, sometimes I have just burst into floods of tears. So much of what goes on in the psyche seems to be beyond words, but here I am trying to blog about it and at least make some kind of sense of it, or at least try to articulate what I felt occuring this afternoon in terms of being an absorber.
I find I am fighting it all a lot less lately.. I am accepting my sis being where she is, while accepting the limits of my power.. She spoke today of having no interest in art or anything much else which means she spends most of the time just sitting around in silence…this is how it is for her right now and I don’t have any solutions…I had thought of asking her if she would like me to book her in for a massage somewhere and I could come and take her, but with the way she is at the moment, I am not sure if she would be willing to go out..
I am glad I went again today, it isn’t easy going right now but I am grateful I am not paralysed by it all, at least I am up moving and keeping engaging, even when things feel uncomfortable.. I will keep hoping in time she will come through again… she has come back up above ground many times before this.. so I will just keep praying and seeking Higher Power’s help to find the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.. Life is far more peaceful when I do while recognising how natural it can be for me to begin to resonate with my sister’s state of mind when I spend that time in her company.
Emerging From The Dark Night 