I just read a post on stigma in which someone made some deeply valid points.. it stirred up the issues of labelling and diagnosis and to my mind a label reduces us to a very narrow range of understanding, it limits our human complexity and may say nothing of causes only a hell of a lot about symptoms and the purely visible ones at that, those judged and deemed by a certain social sanction, mores or biases as ‘appropriate’ and ‘inappropriate.”
In seeking to understand the pain I went through with my ex partner I did label him at times ‘narcissist’ but as my therapist says we are all on that spectrum somewhere of either shutting, down, defending against and blocking out feeling, while projecting and rejecting certain human traits in others that become painful or problematic for us.
Splitting of another person into someone all ‘bad’ or ‘good’ works in a similar way. I know I have been guilty of it with family members, in retrospect I saw they had blind spots just as I did and often it was the hurt they caused or a rejection of a part of or deeper need of mine that led me to get angry and judgey. It always makes me laugh when in jest someone calls someone else a name like Judgey Mr McJudgerson….we don’t like to be judged or reduced and yet at times we can do that too, none of us lives without a shadow ego split and some of us work on integrating it. For some of us our personal shadow carries far more positive traits or golden aspects of us than our negative ego.
The issue of mental health too is a huge area where labels can create stigma… People can put other people in boxes and the feel justified in treating them a certain way…The issue of paedophiles is another… it may feel almost impossible for some to show compassion to someone whose behavior is so damaged and damaging to an innocent person that we find it difficult to understand the forces that acted to make someone so capable of shutting down human emotion and feeling in the the face of innocence and vulnerability.
Similarly with women. I hate the term ‘bitches’ when I hear it used, but Yes there can be a tough kind of woman who seems to be all out for herself, she knows her boundaries, thinks very highly of herself, doesn’t mind who she trounces on to get what she wants… Some consider this behavior ‘offensive’ but she may be the one who ends up healthier in the end, less likely to have suffered a compromised immune system from the illness of needing to be seen as nice or due to terror of setting her own limits and choosing for her own emotional contentment and wellness.
A big factor in how mentally well we manage to be also involves how much we can accept that is okay to be unique, to live outside boxes, to not always be nice, or popular or even so called ‘successful’ in the eyes of society…. going it alone in terms of approval can be tough at times but sacrificing oneself purely to belong, or hiding the vulnerable side of ourselves or even past mistakes or mess ups is often far worse in the long run than exposing them to the light of day.
The post that prompted me to write this was written by someone in recovery who helps others and after reading it I thought of how in the fellowship the 5th step enables us to open up our hidden so called ‘mistakes’, vulnerabilities, shame, as well as all the things we have done or were done to us in the past that we were not proud of. The saying ‘you are only as sick as you secrets’ came to mind while writing this and a fair few times this week seeing my sister undergo another dive with her mental illness. I understand how huge the fear of judgement she carries is and I am aware that it is socially driven.
In the end it is self compassion which saves the day for many of us who carry guilt, have been subjected to labels, or rejection and come to bury or be ashamed of valid (an even essential) parts of ourselves which make us human. I am re-reading a very good little book on Zen at the moment called The Key is Willingness in which the author Cheri Huber encourages us to open up and stop judging and rejecting and labeling our experience along the lines of limited or excessively rigid dualities.. Being able to sit with what makes us uncomfortable in ourselves and others and mine that discomfort for meaning takes some strength. Opening our hearts to the full humanity of those who seem (at least to us), to act in ridiculous ways takes some ability to extend ourselves beyond black white reasoning to embrace the nuances of paradox. Realising that not all human experience fits into neat and tidy compartmentalised boxes with clear labels also takes emotional and spiritual maturity….a capacity to bear with suffering and not reach for intellectual defences which we only believe will relieve it or keep that suffering at bay.
Emerging From The Dark Night 