A deeper inner sense of the vast expanse of both spiritual destitution and magnificence is opening up around and within me lately. I’ve been purging and having mad up rushes of the psychopathic energies of our culture which my young soul marinated in, witnessed and absorbed growing up as a young spirit during the 1960s born into an older family with three siblings whose birth spanned the 1940s and 1950s.
On the weekend I heard the terrorising demons savaging me with what a mess I am and make and saw how much they freak out at chaos and fear of death/change …this isn’t just my psyche’s stuff it’s cellularly encoded inner and outer voices some related to the harsh conditions of abandonment and Catholicism in which my poor Mum was steeped as a young one growing up all alone during the 1930s with no father protector present to help nurture and contain her. She was also raised by an abandoned mother who had no family support close and had to struggle on alone with her young daughter, with only her wits to provide and survive. Mum told me that her Mum could rarely express any love, affection or tenderness at all to her daughter and often abused her out of sheer frustration. Nana struggled all alone with zilch government assistance in the aftermath of World War One, of which her husband was a trauma casualty.
That entire generation (1900 to 1930) were born out of the sacrifice of the young masculine lacerated and torn to pieces, innocently fed on illusions of valor, coming to grief and injury on blood soaked, shell shocked battle fields of war.
I looked at the Queen’s astro chart last night (she was born 2 years after my Mum) and saw the Moon Neptune Black Moon Lilith conjunction in Leo and thought of her own poor father, King George a very soft but damaged man. Forced into a role he wasn’t suited for….the legacy of pain and hidden grief of the crippled feminine and masculine polarities lives on in both sons in different ways. Prince Andrew manifests the damaged masculine and projects the wounded feminine severely out of touch with all genuine human feeling for it’s ‘victims’ in the revelations of his admiration for men in ‘high places’ who are emotionally bankrupt.. (Elements of this too manifested in Charles’ marriage to the ‘virgin’ Diana while retaining a mature lover on the side who complied to keep the entire situation hidden and drove the ‘victim’nearly out of her mind with pain, contributing to an early death as Diana valiantly struggled to come alive as her true self and find genuine sources of love and connection.)
While typing this overlooking the cliffside on today’s bush walk the words of Christ came to mind : “forgive them father for they know NOT what they do” what I see being played out are the complex archetypal dimensions of that age in which many made so many poor bargains to attain and comply with repressive forces seeking ‘control and power over’ while sacrificing the deeper more human values of compassion, empathy, tenderness, emotional insight and love.
In therapy yesterday the issue of my older sister in law came up… As some of you know my Mum violated my sister in law’s privacy when she came to live with us before marrying my brother in the late 1960s reading her dairies or letters and finding out not only that she had been sexually active but also aborted a child, then confronting both her and my brother… This transgression was naturally never forgiven and created massive schisms. Her own daughter, my only niece and I became close for a time but Jen struggled as I did in the patriarchal business system of our family, an artist at heart she was forced into economics, had a breakdown, was medicated, escaped to Melbourne before we connected from a place of deeper emotional vulnerability and meaning, coming to live near myself and Jonathan for a time and knowing something of what it might mean to find her true self and experience some honest emotional connection. Sadly that all fell apart when my husband and I moved to the UK in 1998 and she ended up falling pregnant to man who to this day wants nothing to do with her son… which repeats the theme of the absent father…
Kat was saying to me yesterday : “its a miracle you stayed alive in all of that Deb, you have always refused to die” and yet others have tried to silence me and put me to death so many times…. it struck me yesterday watching an Australian show on Sarah Ferguson and Prince Andrew how the repressive strictures of the Royal Family all geared around ‘seriousness, doing the right thing and stoicism’ actually gave birth to the shadow.. Fergie was seen as ‘inappropriate’ because she joked around and her own history is similarly one of abandonment, her mother left when she was very young and she struggled to feel worthy. Prince Philip has never forgiven her for the toe munching incident portrayed in the British tabloids, even though Prince Andrew’s involvement in the Navy took him away from his wife and daughter for around 240 days every year.
I can clearly see the polarities of Capricorn and Cancer here and its interesting that during the time that the revelations of Andrew’s involvement with Jeffry Epstein have come to light both transiting Saturn and Pluto have been either crossing over or drawing closer to his Mars Venus conjunction in Capricorn in the sixth house of ‘duty’. Doing one’s duty kills off the joy of the exuberant fully alive true self that needs to express and touch and feel and dance and celebrate and love.
This free alive life energy was severely squashed in both King George and the Queen herself…. the Queen has Saturn in Scorpio at 24 degrees on her midheaven which rules reputation and public profile. Saturn in Scorpio similarly limits and drives down deep into the collective unconscious passionate fully embodied sexuality, human emotion, need, longing and vulnerability. To be noted is that Prince Andrew’s Moon is placed at 25 degrees of Scorpio in the fourth house of the maternal legacy and this shows what he inherited from his mother, and it occurs to me as I writ this Prince Charles has significant placements in Scorpio too with his Sun also at 25 Scorpio, while his Moon in Taurus sits nearly exactly on top of his mother’s Sun in Taurus. Its little wonder that these two are close and kept a tight reign on emotions.
I told Kat yesterday how my sister in law visited me in Sydney around the time my niece was struggling to emerge and told me that she was not ‘my problem’. I NEVER SAW MY BEAUTIFUL NIECE AS THE PROBLEM… the identified patient/scapegoat is always the problem but they are really but a manifest symptom of someone else’s problem… My sister in law made sure the bond between us was severed back in 2005 after Jonathan left me.. I was not deemed an ‘appropriate’ person to be around and every time I have been in close proximity to my niece’s son my sister in law has made sure she removed him as far away to the other side of the room as possible. As many of you know I chose not to have children so I could deal with my own abandonment history which is very deep rooted and complex.
Today I feel grateful I can see more deeply into the forces that have shaped only only my own family and life but into some of those in the wider collective playing out… I feel some kind of affinity with the Royal family as my Mum was born in 1924 and the Queen in 1926, they even look a little alike… My brother was born a few years before Prince Charles and I was born six months after Princess Diana and a few years after Prince Andrew.. so we grew up in similar times of collective energies.
Prior to writing this on the cliff side the angels gave me a glimpse of star like energy dancing on the water of the lake, the stars were light globe shaped amalgamation of light that appeared in a five point pattern which is related to Venus.. they danced on the water for only about a minute before disappearing as this blog post took form in my mind…I feel so happy to be finding my path out of the dark.. I gain so much from the astrology which gives me a window of insight into archetypal dimensions of elements and life energy expression…
Interesting to me also is that an astrological point called the Black Moon Lilith is associated with the repressed feminine Goddess energy of love and full embodiment in both masculine and feminine with balanced polarities is seen by some astrologers as important to understand as we emerge from the dying patriarchal age and try to birth a more grounded well balanced ratio of both masculine and feminine energies.. Therapist Marion Woodman write a lot about the emergence of the dark Goddess that appears in dreams as those with addiction and food issues heal and come to experience self love instead of a rabid difficult striving to be perfect which kills off joy, happiness, depth, insight, grounded intuition and love.
It seems deeply significant to me that in the Queen’s chart the Black Moon Lilith is placed at 23 degrees of Leo very close to Uranus in the same sign in Prince Andrew’s chart at 18 degrees… Uranus awakens what was not manifested in an earlier generation, in this way it is interesting to view specific planetary energy placements that evolve in the charts of descendants into another form as archetypal energies seeking expression.. Leo relates to the Sun and the desire to shine and burn clean of restrictions with Uranus is Leo but might go overboard.
It is hard to articulate all of these insights in a post and to those who may find it difficult to grasp the energies and tie ups but to me this form of evolutionary astrology maybe tied into the field of epigenetics. Collectively we work with similar dimensions of experience and expression in different forms and manifestations. Outer planet transits or placements may show what an entire generation is working to liberate and evolve in terms of human experiences of dark and light, empathy and narcissism, love and power : making a small attempt to understand the complex interplay of energies within both personal and collective lives that assist us or block us in relating to and from within the self to the selves of others may help us to extend our view across a longer spectrum of history and especially family history where multiple influence and energies play out across generations.
Emerging From The Dark Night 