We all do it.. We can all get stuck in our minds and pasts and thoughts and expectations and judgements, but it is another thing to actually feel things through to release them. For this we do need a thinking mind to make sense of the torn apart or buried narrative once it emerges.. When it comes to our true encoded cellular history (or herstory) that is buried inside of us I believe this can only be liberated by triggers which spark a past imprint and then activate its charge.. staying with the charge in our body helps associated feelings and insights to arise.. we can then find ways to discharge that energy but the best way to do this is not through acting the feeling out on the messenger or triggerer but by feeling the old charge, attending to it with our loving inner witness and associating it back to see where we or it got stalled, shut down, repressed or frozen or where we reached for another feeling to hide from it.
It is interesting but the other day on my cliff walk where I ran into the recovering artist Novy and chatted and I told her about Scott, she just said to me “Deborah that is all grief, its all about your grief”….. never were truer words spoken and little did she know not only my grief but three generations of it for the lost father…and also all the broken relationships between the feminine and the masculine across my lineage..
Carl Jung said that when we do not make situation that is emotional or collective conscious it appears to us as fate.. We meet that destined person who opens us to our wounds, with them we play out not only our drama but possibly the drama of generations past…I see this most clearly now after the fourth attempt to bring him home. Others can tell me Scott is a scammer and part of me can believe it and it may prove to be true but the truth is the dynamic with him is just a mirror on so many levels and my association with him just reflects many of my own inner challenges. . At this point it is about setting boundaries, saying I am at a limit and cannot help, then there is the grief to process over the unfulfilled longing which is very old for me.
Meanwhile another available man has appeared on the scene for me.. it interesting to me that Uranus will soon move forward to square my Sun Venus Mercury Jupiter which is the lighter more extraverted part of my psyche….and this man seems to represent that force.. Meeting Scott had very much to do with my Moon Mars Saturn and I see the configurations and transits in his chart that bought me into his life…now the entire situation is bogged down in entrapment, depression, inability to move and lots of grief… I have had to feel that all through over the past days..
I felt deeply suicidal again yesterday I took myself off to bed for a rest at 3 pm and woke at 4. I got triggered earlier in the day and it took me into quite a spiral…someone pointed out in my comments this had to do with boundaries.. yesterday I really grieved all the injuries I sustained at the hands of unavailable parents and an overly invasive mother…and maybe that is where the suicidal feelings rose up again.. I pushed myself to take a long walk in the cold with Jasper, I sorted through all the accumulated mess in the house after it and watched Antiques Roadshow while making dinner and lighting a fire..the depression passed. I had a cry over missing the UK and just let those feelings out…
Analysing things doesn’t really shift stuck emotional energy though.. I know when I get trapped in over analysis I don’t move anything through, I just end up getting myself tied up in knots inside my own head. My heart isnt any the wiser either.. Sometimes I am just better to meditate and drop down into the body…to sense the feelings in my tissues, gut, heart, knees, feet or fingers… I stretch a lot while breathing in ..yesterday I had a lot of intense cascade as old feelings circulated around.. today I feel just that wee bit clearer…emotional discharge brings clarity that over thinking just cant affect. I need my triggers to process things from the past.. Once I know what they are I find they pass in time.. I don’t need to consciously ‘let them go’ for they dissolve all on their own. Then I get to see realities the mind would not allow me to see before…
I know all the times I judge my process via ego its not effective either… there is a very harsh task master that lived inside of me, it doesn’t see the nuances or the more complex or paradoxical effects… seeing all of this takes time, maybe even a lot of suffering and mis steps…today is peaceful I am cuddled up in my electric throw rug with Jasper by my side on a very cold heavily foggy morning..I see my part in events of the past week and am glad to have it behind me….for now I don’t want to analyse anything, just be in the moment…what I longed for last week didn’t come to pass and I survived the disappointment I am fine…. I will be fine…I just nee to keep remembering that God is always working in my life of that I am sure, my journey is far from over and as my friend Richard said to me by text this morning… “the best is yet to come.”
Emerging From The Dark Night 