I don’t know about you but I woke with more clarity following the eclipse, I thought a moment ago about how in esoteric rulership the sign of Cancer, traditionally ruled by the Moon is in esoteric astrology ruled by Neptune, both signs are associated with the ocean and primal depths… Pisces and Cancer relate as two water signs, the first and the last. Cancer is the ‘gate in’ the mother and our relationship to the oceanic world of feeling we are ‘born’ into in a family, a sea of energies and interactions.
At my dinner last night with our old neighbour Glen the issues of older and younger siblings came up.. He has an 8 year distance with his younger brother, Brett who was a friend to me growing up. Glen and my sister Sue were close and also the same age, as my sis is 8 years older than me. The difference is that Glen is the oldest of two siblings while Sue is a third child and in our family became very lost as that is sometime the role of the lost chid is one the 3rd child in families of multigenerational addiction or attachment wounds plays..
There was a lot of honest sharing last night.. Glen opened up to me as I was open to him about my trauma, addiction and recovery.. interesting that Glen cycles a lot and had a bike accident too.. Glen said to me that he actually felt that as a younger person I was very extroverted, always happy, super social and loving where as the rest of the family including Sue were super self contained and serious.. I see this childlike part of myself more now, how I still have the innocence but often its also an immature naivety as well…. I open and trust and people then can use me in different ways, as a dumping ground, as a person who they can get to do stuff or take on their burdens, my fear of abandonment as well as my longing to be close and be connected often has made me willing to pay any price to stay connected.
I also see today how enmeshed I become with people emotionally.. I tend to open up about wounds and so others do to but before long I want to take on stuff for them that isn’t mine to manage.. Last night after a lot of too and fro texting Scott has finally acknowledged he has to carry his own cross or burdens. I have no doubts now Scott is genuine and feel sad I could not trust but its understandable as this situation which I will not outline all the ins and outs of is exceedingly complex. I cant help him any more… .. I am letting go of all that went before apart from the lesson.. I got hooked in and I don’t regret it because I am learning something and somehow over the time I have come to care for this man who I now know and have evidence grew up here in Canberra and lost his father around the same age as me, but I also need to not allow myself to become enmeshed any more…
There is a fine line between loving and caring for someone and taking on their burdens, the angels have told me categorically it isn’t my obligation and I cannot help further at this point so we have to stay in separation… and when he finds I opened up to his colleague about the money lent issue he is going to be furious and may probably dump me anyway…
Gosh, what a can of worms but at least today I have clarity.. I see my own blind spots more clearly. Its good to know I am a kind person but also revealing to know I fly blind a lot of the time and make things up imputing motives that are not necessarily correct. I am still growing myself up really… and I am a work in progress. I don’t have control over my past or wounds or deficits but I can be aware of them. I can pray to God to show me stuff and bring just the right people into my life to teach me the lessons I need to learn and hold up the mirrors I need to see parts of myself reflected I have not yet become acquainted with..
To me the shadow is very real and we need to relate to it, that is in essence what this latest Venus retrograde in Gemini now transiting direct is all about.. as it continues to move forward and cross all those degrees of its backward movement more will be revealed. Mercury planet of perception is backwards too now in the sign of Cancer until the 18th I think… stay tuned and keep an eye on your dreams and inner world, my own have been particularly revealing during the past week and I am going to start keeping a dream journal, something I used to do a long time ago.
Emerging From The Dark Night 