Finding my happy

Its been a real challenge to find my happy this afternoon.. My stomach is in a lot of pain and there is a roaring in my ears… so much has gone down in my life.. and I see that so often looking to others only leads to dead ends. That said, I am grateful to the good people in my life, those who show true love by allowing me to make my own mistakes and hold a sense of me still being a good person…

Jasper and I just go back from a walk and play at the oval, earlier looking deep into his eyes I just cried with the love I feel for him sometimes… there is a way your dog looks at you that is so full of meaning and comfort, it’s a deep connection from soul to soul and I thought too of how, when I was petting him, he has really brought me so much joy and happiness in my life. I have those moments of pure being with him, feeling the fresh wind in my hair, smelling the smell of his earthy paws after he has been digging up a bone, the joy of watching him run full pelt with ears flying. Those moments amidst all the pain the love of and longing for others has brought me over the past 9 years of returning ‘home’ are what sustain me most.

A good friend and I chatted a long time this morning.. I broke down with him completely over the way I have allowed myself to keep giving and giving even when its been hurting me, even as I type this and think of all the help my body burns, what was I thinking? That the person would be honest and true to his word? In the end I got the message in meditation that what ever happens I have to use it for the good.. my gut and bowel is very sore this afternoon..the pressure over it all manifests so bodily that sometimes I think my head will blow off… That said there are lessons here leading up to the eclipse in 3 days and I need to digest them. I must look things squarely and realistically in the face. Saturn is backtracking over my natal Mars which represents action in the world and on desire.. sometimes the things we think we need end up hurting us, sometimes there is another thing or experience meant for us than the one we assume hidden inside the said desire not manifesting. God has other plans for us..

At the moment I just need to stay open and not be pulled in by anyone too much any more… I am being very mindful of what I say and reveal to others now.. When the gardener came this morning I was crying but I didn’t say anything about what is happening, that would not be appropriate… He got about his work and everything was fine.. as an adult I have to hold this stuff the best I can and look for solutions that are good for me.. and no one else, in the end can really say what those solutions are and sometimes its a case of using trial and error. We seem to learn most through our mistakes.

The one thing I can say is that throughout these past 2 years I kept fronting up to trust and open my heart, in the end it got hurt, what else can I say except that I need to take it on the chin and find the best way to move forward and keep finding my happy? I have come too far to let this setback derail me.