It has been difficult to get out for a walk at all this week, first Monday is therapy so Simon takes Jasper. Second Tuesday had to wait for the plumber who took till the afternoon to show, Wednesday I had planned a lunch for a close friend and had to get a pressie.. so we managed a long walk around the block instead of a bush walk Thursday and Friday I was feeling very spun around, then that intense session with Kat I shared about where the beating up abuse of three generations manifested.
Add to that its the anniversary of my head injury this week, as well as of my ex husband saying he was just going to walk out and leave me all alone at the coast..I remember that is when my anxiety got so so bad. I remember going for long walks trying to breathe, I had panic as he was packing everything up. it was like I was dying.. It took a further 2 months to sell our place and then I didn’t know where to go so I went to live at our families coast house seeing no one most days..I started to hear demons and guides I was writing all the time and reading Jungian books on healing.. I had so many dreams that were prophetic, in one I was left all alone on a beach island and had to mine a pit of tar with a small silver cup. It was around the time of my mother’s 80th and I could not go north for it..
This is all past now but the head injury lay 8 months in the future… I feel the pain all through my head as I write this.. My sister had come to the coast and was barrelling around everywhere and we ended up having an almighty row and she ended up telling me what a naughty child I had been and how she wondered how long I would be staying “at my families coast house?” That made me see red and I swore at her, after that she asked Mum to choose her favourite and of course it wasn’t me.. I can laugh about this now but when Mum said she chose me because I was ‘too sad all the time’ it was like a knife in the guts.. That is when I decided to take off but I got the same treatment at the place I was lodging after the head injury.. Its my fault for seeking validation in the wrong places but it still hurts me… We have to be so perfect for people to love us…Why?????
its hard to write this. I got stopped a few times as last night my mobile service went down for no explicable reason. I could not contact them as I had no phone service and on the internet (luckily I have another provider for that) I was getting blocked over and over or meeting dead ends. I didn’t remember my password. I ended up droving to the Optus shop as they are iiNet’s provider the guy working there he was none the wiser.. said to use live chat. but I had to recover both user name and password and that took 8 attempts… I sorted it though. And think it was a lesson in not giving up, not dropping my bundle and going on through the spinouts… and panic… Yayeee.. having the service go down is such a trigger for feeling isolated and the mobile company just called to say they actually restricted my account due to me using so much data due to the videos I have uploaded this week… gosh my head is aching… sometimes expressing myself comes at such a cost. part of me thinks it would be better if I was silent..
The sister I clashed with actually invited me for dinner tonight…sometimes the thought of going there hurts again… I don’t know.. family can be such a source of pain and yet she is my flesh and blood and went through so much herself… including a suicide attempt… These days I try to be calm when triggered and practice self soothing.. today reading The Power of Now I was encouraged that peace lies beyond thoughts and memories.. the joy we want can be found in this moment when we don’t stir up old pain.. I think maybe I did bring the head injury on myself by chasing ‘healing’ of my past trauma..as astrologer said this to me after it occurred…or maybe I was just too alone and unprotected over there after Jonathan left me.. whatever the reason my trauma now lies in the past.
My sense is that Venus turning direct and beginning to exit the Underworld may be stirring up the past.. We may now see things we never fully understood before because we are still processing the awakenings that began over 14 years ago.. My sense is that now as I witness I can struggle less. I don’t have to add to entanglement by getting attached to past pain and creating knots of resistance within my mind.. I can touch all the fears and sensations and imprints with the breath and choose too open and deepening on the in and out breaths into long exhalation of letting go.. As long as I open to and flow with life and energy and don’t get stuck on ideas of things ‘not working’ I can usually find a creative solution. If I live in the problem I will never break free, feeling it, releasing it sets me free.
Emerging From The Dark Night 