Feeling the terror of the ancestral past

I had a very intense therapy session today.. I have been going into have face to face therapy with Kat on Monday mornings, but for my Thursday 3 pm session I have been having it on the phone, sometimes in the car on Bluetooth but not today as I had a few busy days this week with the plumber not turning up to fix my leaking loo and my friends birthday lunch..

At the start of the session my ancestral trauma began to active in a kind of spiral as I recalled the head injury of this time 15 years ago and heard the voice of a little girl pleading with her mother not to hit her. I had flashback images of being hit and caught in in the terror of one of Mum’s whirlwind frenzies, but the voice I heard was I am sure also, my mother’s voice pleading not to be hurt and longing to be seen, being almost driven out of her head with pain.. The entire thing went on for over 20 minutes and my body was being coiled and spun all along my spinal axis while it went on…almost like being caught up in a whirlwind vortex.

Talking it through with Kat in the aftermath, I realised I had been self negating in the hour before thinking how little I have achieved and not recognising the miracle of having time to stop and recover and do this intense journey which could not be done while trying to hold down a full time job.. This ancestral work is deep and its about reclaiming life from ages past and the pain we deal with is NOT JUST OURS. I truly believe I am just some kind of container for it as well as a witness to it, and need to write about this stuff as well as post what I can filmed as nakedly and as honestly as I can.

Feeling total peace right now.. Jasper came and sat with me as things calmed and I read and shared latest events with Katina.. I heard clearly a voice in my head telling me ‘you were not to blame’ as my sister once said it was my fault going back to the UK and having a head injury when in fact I was being driven out of my body by lack of validation after Jonathan decided to leave and was so alone…

I am grateful to be able to share here. I am so grateful for such a wonderful therapist who gets it and always validates me. Why shouldn’t I just relax and enjoy my life now? Why not be extra kind to myself and give myself good things? Why not value how far I have come as a survivor of trauma? I got a beautiful text from my friend saying how much she loves and values me after lunch yesterday and I love and value her.. I truly am blessed to be able to feel all of this and give it a voice. I must stop turning against myself and just be kind… And watch more comedy.. it gives me a relief that is so refreshing after living through and witnessing the amount of trauma I have.