There is a wonderful joy in giving, in reaching out to make someone’s life better… I know when I help or give it helps me.. I was surprised to get a card in the mail the other day congratulating me on 5 years as a global parent from Unicef. Unicef is one of two charities I donate to and it was also very good to read that infant mortality has been significantly improving in recent years, now only 1 in 26 children under five die, compared to 1 in 11 in 1990. It is not only this kind of giving, its in the reaching out towards others that the love flows from my heart and then I feel myself to be alive and I was so blocked in this way before.
I have felt the shift in energies since three planets are now in Cancer though, it has been harder to get moving and I notice too the pull towards a negative or paralysed state.. It is almost as if in past weeks I have got a solid look into where I lived in those dark years when I felt so disconnected and the truth was I had not yet connected to my inner life of the past. Now almost 20 years later I look back to the relationships and involvements I had at that time and see I suffered from a degree of perfectionism.. I had a post banked upon how lack of affirmation in childhood or emotional violence so often shuts us down in later life. We felt we may not be accepted unless we are perfect and measure up to unreal or ideal standards, there is a fear of self exposure, often due to past humiliation or ridicule and many of us develop social phobia or anxiety. We may tend to rationalise the condition away or have all kinds of excuses that prevent us showing up. I look back now to some of the excuses I had and some of them were not totally legitimate.. the truth being, I just did not feel that safe or competent in the world with myself or others at times…
I think my ex husband saw my rationalisations at times and longed for me to move through it, but there was also a need for introversion due to all I had not processed in those years of unconsciousness and addiction, so I cannot say the path I ended up on was wrong I see it as being all about learning to develop emotional literacy and deeper sense of myself.
These past years of introspection have given me an insight into myself and my world and family I could not have found before, at the same time sometimes the sadness over my unlived life bursts out of me… I am meeting a good friend today to take her for a birthday lunch and often I get a bit insecure before it all. She managed to finish a degree and has worked as a speechwriter in government for many years now.. I look back to how my own studies stalled and consider the fact I have not been working or very active in the community for many years now. Some days like today I see myself as having failed… I need to share about it just to externalise the feelings… This friend also carries so much of my history as we were together travelling those few years after my father passed away.. When I meet with her all of that comes up. Sometimes I feel as though I have lived two lives…
Anyway it fills my heart with joy when I can move out of my own world of introspection to be a part of the world and show love for my friends. Connections in life are what make it most meaningful, we need the inner connection but being connected with others brings our heart and soul to life too. Sometimes in the past I found reaching out hard. Sometimes the ones I reached to could not deeply connect, that is why I am grateful for the true connections. I want to do more of it when I can… find a channel out into the world besides my blog alone… I will keep looking and praying.. we were not put on this earth to be islands only… we thrive though giving love and sharing love.
Emerging From The Dark Night 