Kat my therapist used the analogy of me battling a strong head wind for most of my recent life in therapy today.. I was sharing with her how lately I see how much depression and negative thoughts and unreconciled sorrow claimed my life time and energy and how tiring it was to be dealing with so much family trauma to the extent that I don’t expect things to go well and am always looking for the next fire to flare up, or bad thing to happen. I told her that as much as I feel happiness welling up inside me these days it is still hard to allow myself to be happy and feel safe inside of it.
The lack of any foundation of support emotionally was also hard before finding Kat and learning to figure out who could receive me. I have been thinking of this quality of receptivity after reading a post I reblogged on the Cancer Season and the Moon.. In that post the writer speaks of the Moon reflecting the solar energy, and it sometimes seem to me that that receptive quality is not always valued in patriarchal culture.. It is thought to be weak or less strong if you are not so physically active or living out of the heroic or warrior archetype. It is also something therapist Miriam Greenspan shares about in her book on dark emotions and fear in particular. Being receptive in a positive way to what is nurturing and safe as opposed to toxic, destructive or of harm is important. According to Greenspan when we deny real fear we are more liable to use addictions or act out and run. When instead we learn to know, embrace and reflect on our fears we have the choice to act in different ways. This involves being receptive to our inner self, aware of our tendency to act out and project past fears on present time.
Growing up in our house it was not easy to be either joyful or relaxed. It was busy, busy, busy and Mum was often stressed… now at times I find it hard to be relaxed, receptive and trusting… used to fighting fire with fire my CNS gets activated. Lately I have found a good antidote is to be active in nature and open spaces, there I can be active AND REFRESHED, rather than active and exhausted. I am also learning to be more receptive to my breath.
The headwind of family trauma is dying down now, since Mum and my older sister have passed. It got a bit triggered today thinking of my other sister who is going to put herself under the knife to make cosmetic changes in the light of past cancer surgery… when I dwell on the idea it makes me ill. I also felt ill hearing a programme today on pets who need to be medicated to deal with anxiety and separation anxiety.. I know in a working culture its not always possible to be with pets and maybe it triggered something for me hearing about that… like animals we humans are pack animals as well and not having the right kind of supports, being isolated, unhelped, unmirrored or unknown may lead to despair and anxiety.
Cancer season for me brings up the issue of nurture of self and others. The feminine in both men and woman has that nurturing quality it is something a writer touched on recently in a post about alpha men in relation to wolf packs, in such packs the alfa is not so much a heroic ‘top dog’ fighter, as a guardian and caretaker as well as a protector of the pack. How would our society be different if men did not have to be out there fighting, overcoming and competing all of the time, but had time to be around the pack and nurture? Interestingly this is one of the outcomes of Covid 19 for some men, including my nephew who pre Covid had to fly away for 3 days leaving at 5.30 am each Monday and only returning to his family on Thursday or Friday, now being able to work from home he can be there for the children more and is relishing that opportunity.
Maybe the recent Covid outbreaks gave us a window of insight into what it might mean to live within a more hearth and home type of culture, maybe those returning to the old reality are going to want to make changes, maybe time down shifting gave us all an insight into what it might mean to be more receptive and less warrior/heroic. I am not sure but I just feel a shift lately.
My own father had to fight so hard for material success and to overcome the poverty and hardship of his past, as did my mother.. in time so much unravelled in our family in the wake of those 6 painful years of trauma 1979 – 1985…I think today too of the traumas of my great, great grandparents on Mum’s side…traumas that filtered down in multigenerational stress and addiction and sent out ripples or shock waves that affected my own life leading to the violent head winds that my therapist Katina spoke about today.
Maybe much of that stress is abating now and in time my masculine will come home from his long deployment overseas to become the nurturing partner I always longed for but was unable to be a partner to myself due to my own long history of trauma. I am not sure as the future is never certain, but for today it is nice to rest after all the chores are done. Yesterday’s eclipse bought in new energy but retrograde Mercury will be bringing up a lot from the past over the next two weeks, while Venus slowing to go direct in 3 days reminds all of us where we had to fight so hard for a sense of value when forced outside of holding of our true self leading to a centred beingness.
This only occurs to the extent that we can embrace the past in the womb of ourselves by loving it to feel it and release it and recognise its imprints.. the incoming energies can be hard to articulate but I can feel them for now its nice just to let go and rest allowing the slow approach of dusk to hold me fast inside its healing.
Emerging From The Dark Night 