Am hitting up hard against my trust issues again today.. won’t go into the ins and outs of it but my heart is very sore at the moment.. I know I have fears and walls at times.. its just in this situation I have given so much, I have been asked to trust and then trust more and each time the hurdle seems to get larger and when I think I have seen the final one another appears. I just shut down today. Not that I haven’t been out at all, we got out for a walk or more so Jasper ran around after a short walk, I sat on the park bench overlooking the lake as garden workers did some pruning around us.
I have had a fairly productive day.. I must watch where my thoughts go.. I prayed today to not be full of self pity and to be able to keep my thinking on the straight and narrow. I got guidance for a meditation reading that spoke about not over analysing in order to try to gain an illusion of control over what is not controllable.. maybe the situation I am in is a little like that.. Fear comes up and another wall goes up…whatever happens I will survive… I just would love to be thriving is all.. but life is good… its just over thinking at times isn’t the best use of time. I am often not occupied enough and have so much time to drift backwards… must keep remembering to live in the moment.
At times I fall into that old emptiness of being left. I think it was not easy for Jonathan and he went home and his family convinced him to leave me.. I could have gone back to make a life in the UK but the thought of leaving Mum and my sister Judith seemed too hard, but not going back I lost part of my dream and hopes for a life of opening and growing.. I went into the dark then.. I miss the ladies from the Botanic Garden where I worked.. I had a struggle around that June 21 eclipse in 2001 and magnified what was wrong in my job.. handed in my resignation too soon but anyway.. what is done is done I cannot go back. I will never get those years back and am grateful for the two years in that job. Around that time we had seen a lovely little house that would have suited us well but I could not grasp the nettle on it… why punish myself with these thoughts? Am I sabotaging a new chance at happiness? Why is it always me who has to be there to help? Sometimes we may have to learn to ‘love the questions’ as Rilke wrote in his Letter to A Young Poet and sometimes questions are just rumination.
Emerging From The Dark Night 