Winding down

I am feeling that slow winding down tonight.. So much has gone on in my life since the last eclipse at 00 Cancer in 2001 when I decided to leave England.. Its 19 years later now, almost to the day and a number of anniversaries are about to hit… I am at the end of the final ‘help’ for Scott. He either turns out to be ‘real’ or not.. I have made a lot of sacrifices for him.

I just sat in the car and cried before leaving the shopping centre, at times I feel my body is breaking down, driving home there was a flood of memories listening to some of my favourite songs from the 70s : and images of Dad were prevalent amongst them which called to mind last night’s dream in which my body had split open with grief and the only witness was my Godfather.

That was true in real life, he stood by me, he validated my struggle in sobriety and before. He and my God Mum took me in two times when I needed support and for a time there was a family to come home to after work, something I never had after school growing up..That just occurred to me now, while I lived with them we went to the movies with their Indian friend Sarala.. it was a family time…but then I moved out into that wild share house and more neglect, before falling pregnant and having the ectopic pregnanacy.. Jo and Piet were there to take me in then when I really needed them and I thank God for their love don’t know where I would have ended up without it.

Big sigh.. Dusk is falling, we had dramatic skies on the way home, a real mix of gunmetal grey storm/snow clouds and then piercing bolts of afternoon setting sun light radiating through the clouds… so so beautiful as I listened to my music.

I am grateful to be alive.. I wonder at times if cancer will take me like it took Dad. I tried on some old pants today and they were three sizes too large, I really have shrunk inwardly over past years but I eat a healthy diet and exercise a bit… these are thoughts of doom that come… Jasper is cuddled up next to me right now, he’s a bit smelly I think he rolled in something on our walk today but its cosy just the two of us.. I love this time of day.. I may not say much that is new..there are less and less likes on my posts lately but I still love to write.. I have prepared all the veg to make a vegetable korma soon which I will have with baked salmon…

Sometimes the slow wind down of this time of day just makes me cry but I always feel better for it.. we are heading towards the dark of the moon. I can really feel it tonight.. I am happy to take it slowly over the next weeks.. winter is a slowing down time anyway… and I find peace in the silence and stillness. It really really brings me so much comfort. I always feel better after that afternoon cry.. it was this time of day I got the news Dad was terminally ill, so this time of day is so often tinged with sorrow.. But these days I feel his love and have only love in my heart for him.. that was only possible by allowing myself my full anger in the past and in the course of healing.