I am loving the book of Henri Nouwen’s on the Beloved I got recently.. In it he speaks a lot about the impulse to self rejection we absorb in a culture often geared to turn us away from our natural self and instincts.. One of the most damaging ideas of many religions can be that the real self in some way is full of ‘sin’ or evil, that this self must be disciplined if it is not to run rampant devouring everything in sight… it saddens me to think that at the time children were seen to be evil and in need of discipline rather than loving mirroring and guidance they were also being abused..
It was such a source of pain to me a few months ago when one of my nephews opened up to me about the abuse he witnessed and suffered at boarding school and of how he tried to tell adults who ignored him or told him to just ‘suck it up.”
My own sister was hit a lot both at home and at school practicing the piano.. In time she gave it up…this is the sister who later went through shock treatment and a suicide attempt. I saw her being cut down so often in all kinds of ways, conditioned to be devalued, at the same time her husband did not like the repression in our family either which came out of both of my parents undergoing a lot of emotional neglect… It used to be so painful on the many times I went to the psyche facility where my sister was committed about 6 or 7 times to see her hands shaking from the result of medications. She now has a psychiatrist who is not using as many drugs and is reducing the doses. For me I am just grateful that age 31 I found sobriety and never was tempted to go on medication, using natural means and therapy instead to work with my complex issues of trauma, neglect, attachment wounding, depression, loss of true self and addiction.
These days I am learning to overcome the negative voices of self rejection that I constantly used to hear in my head, more and more severe after my ex husband finally walked out 16 years ago.. Today I can love my true self and not be as besieged by critical voices.. sometimes I do also turn the critical voices out on others, I may not see the way they struggle and I forget that people do not have to be perfect for me to love them.. Because I I was so often conditioned to be hard on myself at times I can also be hard on others, but as I read more about the Beloved and the impulse to self rejection in Nouwen’s book the more I come to accept and love the totality of myself and others, both light and dark, at times the happier and freer I feel.
I do not always find it easy to keep reaching for the love but I am much less full of anguish, anger, pain and sorrow than I was in the past…when I recognise the voices of self rejection in myself, in others and in society at large, I can answer with love. That brings my heart so much peace and rest. A feeling of value too, something just so invaluable to my life and precious.. I count myself blessed to have come across Nouwen’s book again years after another one was given to me my a friend in sobriety I have now lost contact with. It feels good to know that I am growing and the voices of constant fear and restriction are loosening.
Emerging From The Dark Night 