I had a very happy and mainly peaceful day today, I did have to push myself to get going after sleeping in and Jasper and I met a good friend by the lake where we chatted after a walk and run around, greeted by an glasslike lake surface reflecting dramatic clouds… I then got a call from another friend and came home, made lunch and went to drop off a gift for my grandnephew at his place. Was so special to see the children and especially to see my nephew and his wife, they really are beautiful parents.
But later I got into a wrangle because two people I have been chatting with online got upset I was chatting with the other person and then one person told me I need to cut the other person out of my life, both were accusing the other person of lying.. It just broke my heart apart, one of the people was Scott and he said that if I continue to talk to my other friend it means I don’t love him and we are done.. I just felt an apoplexy at the time. I don’t take kindly to ultimatums. I don’t take kindly to neurotic thinking, I don’t take kindly to being controlled.. The other person has gone through a lot of loss and one of the reasons I was talking to him was purely to be a friend but then he cut up nasty when I told him about the ultimatum… at that point I just put the phone on charge, went to the kitchen fell to my knees and cried… I just do not get what the hell is wrong with people. I do not take kindly to being told who I can and cannot feel for and relate to.. it really breaks my heart.
The solution for tonight was to detach… I am getting to a very manageable place in my life where my self centred attitudes are turning around on me. I don’t have to take everything personally, I can trust that I am enough and have enough, that there is more than enough love in the world to go around and when there isn’t I can reach inside, but it still breaks my heart when I see people caught in that old reality, projecting guilt and shame or blame. One of the people in question said to me I hope you get to live a better life? That idea doesn’t help me at all. I am living a good life, because I seek the goodness in it these days…
In the Course In Miracles there is a profound saying “I am not a victim of the world I see”, I truly believe that. In the end I see what I project a hell of a lot of the time, that said there are times people act in childish ignorant ways.. its just human nature I guess… never the less tonight I would like to steer away from the heartbreak.. Why not look for the goodness? Why not look for the love? Or better still, why not generate it from deep within? The truth is that we all have that capacity should we choose it.
Emerging From The Dark Night 