Vulnerable and naked

I have a sense the Moon may be in Pisces today.. I am just feeling so naked and raw and vulnerable today.. Maybe this is the way it goes when you open your heart and let your thoughts go but then I notice thoughts drive feelings too. I got another email from Jonathan, my ex husband last night with photos of his allotment, his Mum and daughter Lottie.. it was a gorgeous shot of the two of them and I guess that is part of the sadness. we never got to have a child together even writing those words allows my tears to flow…and I feel so sad for the life we wont live together and how we came back but needed in a way to be close for a family that was not a cosy family.. why couldn’t I build a life outside of it and have the strength to move forward? Why was I always pulled back? Maybe because the bonds of family are so strong as to feel nearly unbreakable.

I chatted to my sister’s third son yesterday and felt so sad.. he is struggling so much and my brother could give him a tiny bit of help to make his life easier but he never even calls him, it breaks my heart and then I think of the distance Dad kept from family and that saddens me more. I know the antidote to all of this is acceptance. My family is formal on one side and distant hiding behind success and expensive things like cars and property, with them its all about the material.

The other family are wounded and hurting so much that they don’t reach out either and then I hear from my other nephews wife how cruel he is at times and caught up in the family disease while being so deeply wounded in his inner child but transferring that instead of working through it.. It makes me sad but then grateful for my own sobriety and emotional recovery, God knows families of long term trauma and addiction are complex so many emotions go under wraps. Then they poor out in all kinds of ways…

There is just an ocean of sadness today.. I know it is not about who I am as a person but what I grew up inside, as well as the pain I witnessed and the struggle I had to find myself within it all… dark clouds cover the sky right now.. its close to 11 am…. coffee time. I sense a brightness trying to break through the clouds too. the sun is trying to shine.. Its a lot like a reflection of me right now.

Mars is thick in the embrace of Neptune in Pisces right now so it occurs that the Moon is collecting and absorbing all of this energy right now…maybe that is what I am feeling : that I never got to define myself as an individual with strong legs to stand on. that I was always susceptible to being swept up in any tide….

It’s the same if someone comes to me with their sadness like happened today on Facebook I befriended a man whose wife died in childbirth and he is still grieving all of those years later….I wanted to make breakfast but it was hard to get away…..I cannot be other than I am.. sometimes its hard in the world but I guess I will always just have this soft heart and maybe in the end I was never meant to hold onto anything..was always doomed to just watch it all rise up and fade away… somethings you can hold onto, some you just have no control over and then when you fail to take action you also remain powerless and don’t orchestrate your own life, but that life may be taken at any time.

I think of how nearly 16 years ago Jonathan handed me a metal box at the airport with money in it to go for a horse ride on the beach… and tears fall at the memory.. he went on to his destiny to have a daughter.. I stayed here then tried to go back over and crashed and everything inside me turned into jello…maybe the tides are washing me clean today in my soul.. maybe its time for my nature walk hand in hand with my inner child, higher self, angels and Jasper.

Post script : the Moon was actually in late Aquarius aa I wrote this..things feel oceanic due to Mars Neptune right now…