What happens when we are not allowed to need others? What happens when we come not to trust that someone will reliably be there and truly mirror us? Don’t we get a little lost and a lot mixed up in this situation.
I love this song by Randy Crawford, her album was one I used to listen to all those years ago back in Sydney when I first moved there after I got home from Europe only to find Mum was remarrying and there was not going to be a place for me at home in Canberra.. To be honest it was also due to the fact my family had such a high profile there and I wanted in some way to be invisible, have a new start, with my hidden broken heart and fear of trusting in anyone.. I can see all this much more clearly now all of these years onwards.. I see the girl who went to Sydney who carried so much trauma.. I see the love my God parents gave in those first months as I got established in a job that I did well in but could never be totally aligned with my heart and soul.
I shared a bit about the pregnancy I could not bring to term that I underwent during that time in Sydney the other day.. I took it down again after I posted it and today when I read it to Kat in therapy she asked me why I said I was scared of people judging me. I know over years with the following I have how people come and go and sometimes I see the popularity of other blogs and wonder why mine struggled to ever get over 10 or so likes, I should not let it bother me but there you go, I am revealing to you, my reader my insecurity… In fact a while back I was told by someone that I probably alienate people, that was hard to hear and I had to stick to my guns.. I have been in some very dark places, done things I am not proud of in my addiction but these days I do have unconditional compassion for my younger self.. I know now its not easy to have lived with the amount of trauma I did and try to support the rest of my family after I got sober in 1993. I am proud to be a survivor and I wont put myself down any more.
This issues of needing others, well I am an adult now so the needs of my child that never got filled I have to try to heal on my own, but the truth is I DO NEED OTHERS.. I am always so amazed and appreciative when anyone reaches out a hand in love to me and says they get it.. its not something I am used to… and I know my approval must come from within in the end, but when you felt you must not need its not easy to let down the defences and face the fears that hold you back, not easy, but not impossible.
Tonight I feel peaceful, something big shifted me during the lunar eclipse the other morning.. I can feel the truth of things in my core now I could not feel before and I can see that it may be possible to finally leave that past pain in the past, not that it wont be a part of me for the rest of my life, certain things scarred me so deeply but I can also these days count my blessings too. I know that even after Dad died and I felt so all alone overseas so often just the right person was put in my path to make sure I was okay when things were really really tough…and torn apart as I was by being abandoned by my second boyfriend Jim for a second time it was all part of the journey to find me…..
Today I recognise how I struggled. I see how often I had to leave those people I loved behind for a while in order to go on the journey to me.. I came across a quote from Henri Nouwen last night that I will post at the end of this blog that puts the essence of learning to open our hearts again into a nutshell. As humans we get broken at times, things often hurt us deeply and sometimes it seems nothing is going to plan but the truth is that all along it probably is, its just that things are not going along according to the plan or our own limited personal will. There is a quote by spiritual teacher Carolyn Myss that always resonates with me. “Know the best way to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.”
Emerging From The Dark Night 