I had two mornings after the eclipse when a rage came out of me towards my family and my position in the family like a volcano and this on the back of trying to work through forgiveness and to see the bigger picture of it all. This morning I had that strange sense of complete dislocation from my surroundings and all the possessions I have gathered over years, its really hard to put into words what I experienced but what I realised essentially is how apart from my soul all of these possessions are, when I leave this world all that will remain is the love shown, given, withheld or expressed……
The energy releasing and birthing was so intense this morning I took myself out for the day and ended up going to the café where we used to take my sister when she was living for those 12 or so years in the home for people with acquired brain injury.. the staff who work there are so gentle, kind and loving so it felt a nurturing thing to do after all the Covid weeks where I have been making every single meal at home. Afterwards I went and did my groceries at the big supermarket in that small local centre and then came home to walk Jasper around the block as he had been cooped up since I took him out around 5 pm yesterday..
I came home, cleaned out the fridge and unpacked everything while listening to one of my favourite albums… Heavy Things by John Mayer.. the song Home life always reduces me to tears and my ex husband was much on my mind. When I hear the lines in that song
“I will marry just once
And it if doesn’t work outh
give her half of my stuff.”
That actually happened with us in 2004 and it occurs to me while writing that while I just had the anniversary of us meeting, the anniversary of him going overseas and ringing me a month later to tell me our marriage was over is coming up in a few weeks time as is the anniversary of my head injury a year after he left me in 2005. I just sat down and cried a lot listening to this song..
Last night I broke through another wall of fear and mistrust to commit to help Scott. I had a post I wrote yesterday about what happened to me in the midst of the lunar eclipse yesterday in the early hours when I woke up at 1 am but I took it down yesterday.. I just found myself crying and crying and knowing I could not let down the person who I entrusted my heart to and who entrusted their heart to me.. Today I am back in the place of thinking I react too much on my feelings.. but there you go….
This avalanche of grief has just passed on through me this afternoon.. After two days of connecting with friends on Thursday and Friday I have had two days alone. My sister called on Friday afternoon to tell me she had sold her unit and the catch up cuppa with our lovely next door neighbour but one from childhood who she was keen on went really well and I can honestly say I was so happy for her.. It would be so nice for her to find love again in her life but she doesn’t want to jump the gun as the person has had two failed marriages and recently separated from a long term partner.. Still I was happy for my sister.. she is rebuilding her life, its just I get so resentful sometimes when I think of how her bi polar swings affected my life and my Mum’s life in those years after I moved back home.. see her nearly catatonic with depression after shock treatment and suicide attempt in 2013 was just SO MUCH TO COPE WITH..and the memories of what she and my other sister endured often return.
However I have to keep reminding myself that all of that trauma was in the past.. It needs to be laid to rest not to affect today and yet I carry it all in my heart and so sometimes I just weep with it all. I just cannot hold the tears in and when it sheds then I feel my energyt returning along with a sense of faith, hope and trust in life..
What I most need to keep remembering as the wind down to the Solar eclipse is underway and we move towards the dark of the Moon over the next two weeks of Venus retrograde slowly falling behind the Sun in Gemini is square to the Chiron and Pluto of those of us born in the early 1960s is that just because the past was harsh and so painful that does not have to mean that the present has to be so full of sadness. I must remind myself always to keep reaching for life and find my way towards the light that wants to live and warm my heart outside of all of the past darkness and suffering..
When you’re able to remember the traumas or pain of your past are in the past, you can deal more effectively and clearly with your thoughts and feelings in the here and now and stay present rather than getting lost in the inner badlands. Resilience is bolstered by focusing on two kinds of actions, what you’re great at, and what you love. Its essential to remain open to a brighter future even in the darkest of moments.
Debra Campbell. Lovelands
Emerging From The Dark Night 