I actually have a home full of material objects, everywhere I look there is a nick nack that speaks of my soul but also of the lonely days back here where there was no one much to relate to and not a lot else after my walks but to go to the shops and acquire some more things. It worries me at times and the truth is revealed to me on those days I go to nature to seek comfort by the lake and immediately feel my home or other bound anxiety leave me… Just the open view out across the lake to a far horizon of hills sets my spirit free.
I just listened to an interview with an indigenous Australian on Late Night Live and he was speaking about how early Australians had no need for possessions or even homes, they were a nomadic people and in the vast dry tracks of country I have visited in central Australia, were also water diviners who could track the underground presence or flow of artesian wells. They had an attunement to the natural world that was not valued by the White Settlers who came bringing a lot of booze and mayhem to the early convict settlements in Australia.
Coming back to Australia in 2001, 2002 and 2005 I actually felt a deep depression at times, the wide open spaces and blue skies seemed too vast after the cosier softer landscapes of my ancestral home the UK. And yet over past years I have come to appreciate the openness we have here. Driving home a moment ago I heard this silly ad on radio bemoaning how tough we have had it during Covid which ended saying so go grab yourself some beers. We have it tough in Australia do we? We are just indulged and spoiled materially in so many ways and I am not sure we always appreciate it.. That said anxiety and other conditions such as despair and depression can be more wide spread here when we look for peace and comfort in all the wrong places.
These days I know where to go and what to do when my anxiety is activated, nature and Jasper are my go to soothers, as is music and poetry, at the risk of repeating myself its in these places I find my connection and solace and feel settled instead of avaricious and restless. Maybe I am finding it easier to settle having made peace with a lot from the past right now.. I am not looking to move outside the natural pace of things, have stopped having my hair cut or coloured or wearing things that don’t make me feel comfortable..I am feeling a bit more at ease within my own body and the spins are not as present when I am not being stressed by other humans…maybe I am finally find my centre? I know when I feel I am inside of it and when outside of it.. more so than I did before…
Darkness is growing here right now.. I love this time of day when the rim of the horizon where sky and trees and buildings meet is illuminated by tinges of soft fuscia or apricot : this is by far my favourite time of day…. I thank God at the moment for this afternoon’s peace… I got into the garden earlier and was ready when David, my gardener arrived for his monthly visit and had a list of things for him to do, Jasper and I then managed a lovely walk in nature before I came home to be stressed out by Scott again and took my refuge in nature.. its taken me a long time to build a base for myself and Jasper here in my home town and as I do I realise how much turmoil I had in my life from the age of 3 to 57. Somehow I had to survive in those high seas that trauma created all around me and find my ways to stay afloat and not drown.. At times I have felt I may be drowning but only because ancestral causes and old pain had lain unprocessed deep down inside of me..
My therapist Kat has always said to me “Deb you will find your sea legs in time.” I feel lately that I may be and much all as the Venus/Sun square to Mars has been tough, Mars is also trining my natal Neptune right now and I notice I have been able to reach out in love to those who may be suffering loss and then stay grounded in my own sorrow which bursts out of me after those long walks all alone with Jasper.. Maybe I am coming home to myself, maybe that means I will begin to struggle less with other’s demands. I don’t know.
For tonight I don’t want to intellectualise too much I just want to sit in the peace and enjoy the dusk as it settles is calm around me..I love the feeling of completeness now and appreciate the absence of any panic attacks tonight.. Maybe I am finally turning the corner.
Emerging From The Dark Night 