To let it go

Old hurts are sometimes still triggered for me on some meetings with family.. I pray for the pain to be let go as I also want to be connected to my siblings…but at times I feel a constriction around my heart…

Mark Wolynn writes in his book on multigenerational trauma that when we block the flow of love to a parent or ancestor there is a blockage forms along the ancestral line and within us and it can affect other relationships.. I have certainly felt love for my ancestors flow through me as well as their pain over separations. Last night I lay in bed crying a lot thinking of my ex husband cycling through the Somerset fields and felt the love I had for him and how we met about a week in time ahead 27 years ago, with Venus in Gemini backtracking to square my natal Pluto Chiron opposition this pain makes sense, as I am releasing the love to him I feel the love opening between Scott and I and a deepening of trust but also some kind of fear, connecting sometimes always brings the deeper fear I will lose a part of myself… or maybe a shadow imprint of being left?

I don’t know but at times it helps just to vocalise it.. My sister just dropped around the jacket I left in her car on Sunday.. I was so pleased to see her and felt excited.. I pray to let go of past hard things between us that happened years ago but sometimes when she comes they are there hovering in the shadows.. the way she smashed my comfort bear in the door and broke his music box.. when she told my nephews after too may drinks I was jealous of her when all I ever longed for was for her to see me and love me as I was.. not tell me what a ‘naughty’ child I was for being full of life. But its the past, right? I never felt safe.. there was a reason why.. I need to realise that… and not everyone is out to hurt me that will take time to trust I think.. I keep praying.. I keep hoping I keep noticing my reactions and praying to the angels..