Random lovely connections

My anxiety is not good today. I can see how I contribute to it with fear and being drawn back into the past I have not yet fully resolved.. Hearing from my ex husband has stirred up so much, I don’t want nostalgia to claim me entirely but I left a huge piece of me back in the UK when I left and then today, as if by fate or angelic guidance I ended up sitting next to a lovely older man at lunch in the Woden centre and we started discussing all things English and Scottish as well as ancestors, angels and the power of prayer (through seeking Gods’ will).. it was a beautiful conversation and the man had the most lovely name : Glen Friend. I told him about Jonathan and how our UK life got aborted, he said to stay open for opportunities to visit and keep praying for guidance from God, he also explained to me how sexuality was mixed up due to a misunderstanding of the teachings of Paul and we discussed issues across a huge number of levels…

Not having a Dad around, having a difficult relationship with an emotionally avoidant brother and not having known either Grandfather at all these kind of older male relationships have extra value to me. Sadly I may not see Glen again unless our paths cross but it was so lovely today to have that moment of connection and it happened twice as Jasper refused to go on one walk that would have left us out alone in the wild today and so I opted instead to go get a take away coffee, drink it in the car and go for a beach walk where we met another Grandad with his grandson…. these kind of random encounters do a lot to lift my day.

I got myself into a bit of a glum state today reminising on the past with Jonathan.. I notice more now when it is happening and our anniversary of meeting back in 1993 is only two weeks away so that may be why the feelings and associated memories are so strongly around at the moment and its interesting that he got in touch around this time.. I often feel the ancestral connection is what drew our paths together and I hope one day to visit him back there, I really do.. a huge part of my inner soul is both English and Dutch, I have just explored more of the English side and it may also be an important time leading up to my Great Great Grandfather and Great Great Grandmother’s birthdays too, I do feel them around me, along with my Mum and I am trying to pull my energy into the now so that old themes don’t keep replaying.

I am grounding myself this evening by making a vegetable Korma, its on the stove and the heat is now off so it can sit.. I have some salmon marinating to have with it and I will make some black quinoa as well.. Its a new dish I had a few weeks ago and I only use a bit of the Korma so I can combine it with other proteins on other nights…my anxiety is usually less around meal times, I feel more comfortable settling in for the night…

I am back to mistrust on other levels at the moment.. I recognise more and more what a shaky foundation I have rested on in past years… Its been so hard for me to trust anything, let alone my own feelings, needs and thoughts.. When I made that decision to come back to Australia I cut off a forward potential and at times it feels like I have been pulled back into a major regression for over 19 years now.. But I have to keep remembering my life is a work in progress and not to be negative… good things can happen if grief from the past does not totally eclipse everything… maybe I just need to feel all these feelings through and in time they will pass. I hope so….maybe I am still integrating a lot and had a lot to learn about the ancestors by coming home.. maybe this is just one chapter of a far longer saga that will continue…here’s hoping there will be in time a move into happier more lifeful and interconnected places.