I feel better after making and eating some nourishing food tonight.. I know when I was in severe depression just making a meal would help me, these days my grief is more available to me and it calls to mind a comment by the American poet Robert Bly which says depression takes us to the Underworld when we are not allowing ourselves to feel the grief hidden inside of it nor the rage that may be one of the other responses to things not working out as we wished or suffering loss, abuse, betrayal or neglect.
God knows we are taken on these dark passages for a reason.. Maybe the way out is through (not MAYBE BUT DEFINATELY). Allowing myself to feel for my ex husband connects me to the hope we once had that we would grow old together, when I refused to move forward either way he decided to move back home to the UK nd leave me and that is as it had to be.. it is well and truly in the past… I go over and over it but Kat my therapist says that will continue to happen until it is resolved and to let the process go on.
I feel better tonight, as if that longing and nostalgia and backward turning has abated, those 2 years in the UK were very special and I will always be grateful for them…. I need to accept things worked out as they needed to, no one deliberately did anything wrong, Jonathan and I both needed to grow in different directions.. He will always be a huge part of my life, much as Mum loved him she always told me I needed a stronger partner, maybe mothers know these things.. I like to think her spirit is close to him too and that she is glad he got in touch, may even have prompted it, but that is the magical way I think sometimes.
Opening our hearts means opening to embrace the full expanse of our feelings, even when they are painful, we need to accept that suffering and loss and change are purposeful, not meaningless and random although a lot is probably more random than we like to think. I always feel freer when I open my heart. I see the amount of mistrust I have in the goodness of life at times, I am aware of the attitude of healers such as Louise Hay whose motto is always “life loves you”. I also remember her advice to imagine others as little children so we can have compassion for what they went through when young and open and defenceless, some build walls and some have guns and arsenals in the place of boundaries and those of us who never got a firm foundation of inner trust built deep inside so often rest on an insecure foundation.. I don’t know the answer to healing all of that to be honest because I still struggle to open to myself and accept love at times and sometimes I struggle to forgive others, but as I always say I am just human and fallible, never completely secure but still complete on some level, even if a lot of the time I don’t feel it..
Emerging From The Dark Night 