Why is loving so hard?

Why is loving so hard sometimes? We open our hearts only to have them trashed, we open up our hurting spaces, only to be told we are stupid or confused or mixed up for feeling pain or hurt, as if, if we just changed our mind things would change. Yes at times overthinking things makes them tougher and we need to be careful not to refuel old hurts over and over and know when they are triggered and practice self care, but often the underlying injury or hurt is real and the more it is mocked the deeper and more painfully it goes into us and gets lodged inside. That is why it is SO SO NECESSARY for the narcissistically wounded amongst us to get good insight into who we are, how we truly feel and why and learn to values self and set loving boundaries, not allowing further shame dumping upon us by those interested and invested in denying pain…. I have a lot more to share coming up about how narcissists dump you with the unhealed parts and displace their aggression or vulnerability.. At times I have questioned my own passive aggression as self expression, assertion and healthy boundaries were not allowed much in our home growing up and my diaries were routinely invaded.. Is it any wonder that at times I don’t feel SAFE around others, have a sense of threat about expressing my true self and coming alive…

Most especially I was deeply shamed for exuberance and joy and that has left a painful legacy of not being able to feel I can move freely to the point I ended smashed up two times.. Now I am undergoing all this shit with Scott and the fucking military I am coming out with all guns blazing. I am not going to shut the fuck up about what I have been put through…That a person can be trapped overseas and you cannot say anything due to opsec and persec and I am now being slammed as a person who could not shut their mouth and keep the secrets safe with the bank when I was being questioned and told to make up a story makes me angry.. First that I got involved in it all… second that I am being told that I should not feel upset at what I am being subjected too when I was given no help to deal with it.. Maybe its just the way of the world, but I am sick of denying the things that hurt and being honest, releasing shame and setting boundaries is the only way to make myself feel solid and real at the moment…

I have been a kind person up until now.. I have always tried to help when I could but lately I am so so tired of being dumped on for it, so so so darned tired. I am not going to be anyone’s toxic waste bin/dumping ground any more… and love does not mean accepting everything..