I will never know how it felt to be comforted by my father.. I will perhaps always carry the painful feeling of being torn to pieces inside the wreckage of that car, it never leaves me as I lay down to sleep or as I struggle to awaken.. I am often fighting and checking my environment to scan for threat even though the rational part of me knows its 2020 not 1979 or 2005…Today I just lay down on the bed and wept with exhaustion. after tidying up somethings out the back.. I cried a lot and spoke to my great great grandad…because today I was reading on carried ancestral trauma in Mark Wolynn’s book where he says to give the pain back to the ancestors… I only felt this, that Thomas needed his pain to be known (as he told me this in meditation) and that I love this ancestor I never met very very deeply…I cant help but let that river of love flow out from my heart today now all the anger has abated.
Scott apologised for getting it so wrong the other day when I needed validation, he said he thought it would calm me down being told not to let it effect me, when it had the opposite affect. Maybe the feelings were extra intense as its only lately I am feeling I can validate everything for myself…but the fact is I am alone here most days and it does get lonely much as I say I am fine alone and love my solitude.. I just long for a hug, in fact my entire body aches for it at times..This time of social distancing is bringing home even more how important and rare actual loving physical contact is, surely life is not meant to be this barren touch wise.
I think sadly of the great distance Dad kept from his own brother who lived so close by but we rarely saw, was discussing it with my sister the other day, my brother is similar in only calling over practical matters…I miss the visits to my Mum even though at times we had challenges, I am most appreciative of the opportunity to catch up with my friend Deb tomorrow and walk our dogs and share a cup of coffee…When the feeling of emotional starvation or hunger for company or touch grows I do need to remind myself that these days I am more connected than I was, but that wound of never being comforted is there still…maybe its why I got so triggered on Tuesday by Scott…the good thing is that I was able to express it.. Whenever I am angry with him he never shames me or blames me, he always shows me love and understanding.. If I say sorry for something not my fault he always tells me I don’t need to apologise, and he always says to me that the words “I am sorry” are so important in a relationship as they show you value the person’s feelings over your ego… So today I look for the good in him .. you see its just TOO DARN PAINFUL not to…to hold onto hurt only hurts us but to cleanly and clearly express it and have it acknowledged, well that, in truth, is a gift beyond measure…
As for my Dad I will always be grateful that shortly before he died on the day he told me of his cancer diagnosis we finally got to hug as he cried and I comforted HIM, as when any member of my family has been in pain over the past years I have always done, giving what I always hoped to receive. The legacy of this deep wound of being unheld and neglected is very strong in me right now and I can grieve it (am grieving it deeply as a write and re-edit this post), for it only becomes truly real and conscious when I do that, and that embodied validation is most necessary for my soul, life, emotional recovery and health.
Emerging From The Dark Night 