I had such an intense day of pain following the meeting with my brother’s accountant on Friday… My sister drove looking forward at the road in a shut down state and sat through the whole thing silently as I sat with tears which just started streaming down my face.. I could tell the accountant noticed and he was so soft, kind and friendly, he got my brother on speakerphone and that is when the tears really fell even harder.. they were quiet tears though, tears without a voice..
I could not follow everything except to say there were a lot of figures on a page showing how things will be distributed between us and then discussion of how it will all be filtered down over time… at one point I just said “what if one of us is given 6 months to live, as we have both had cancer?” To that my brother gave and answer that quiet frankly I don’t remember..
I know those tears were about far more than the money.. I think of how it was never easy with my Mum, a lot of things became a financial transaction, the way she was there for us consisted of buying us things or paying whenever we went out to eat.. she was generous to a point but the sadness yesterday was for the times we did manage to connect heart to heart and hand to hand, that said THERE IS SO MUCH I NEVER GOT AND STILL BLAME MYSELF FOR…today what was very much on my mind was how I walked out on Jonathan to go back overseas in 2002 and then refused to move forward with him in 2003 and he finally left in 2004. He didn’t have the patience to weather it all out with me and I am sad we never will have got to have that life of togetherness….due to my own past… its not my fault and its not his.. I am just so so sad today.. my tears are falling the only thought I am having right now is that this grief is coming up because all my defences are down…
Last night it took a long time to get to sleep due to the bodily pain which was like hot needles all inside my chest and body and head…but I woke from a dream which was clear as day.. in it one of my best friends told me she could not have anything to do with me any more because I intellectualise everything too much, I then started to try to give her an astrological explanation about the different temperaments of air and water but she did not want to hear it.. I woke with the strangest sensations in my body, there was a weight of something I was trying to move out of.. I can only think that in the dream both parts are parts of me, maybe I am growing tired of my own over analysis and intellectualisation of emotions.. its the only interpretation I can come up with right now.
I was glad to get back to sleep for a while and then have a bath and after a hour of stretching make a nice breakfast and eat it while the sun shone in and clear blue skies beckoned from outside.. We had two days of overcast weather with torrential rain and wild winds on Friday and Saturday.. I was back in a dark place Underworld place again after the meeting on Friday and I had had that brief reprieve of coming out into the light after my therapy session with Katina on Thursday….yesterday I had a lot of panic and anger attacks, it was not even possible to text Scott much…it was as if a force was holding me back from connection until I deal with all of this pain which sometimes gets transferred onto other relationships.
The truth is that until I get my money back from him I am completely financially dependent upon my inheritance, I could always decide to rent something and sell this property I live in, and the thought occurred to me this week a move might be good but if I am honest I am better to stay where I am now and continue on with my healing and therapy.. Scott said the loveliest thing to me yesterday, trying to tell me to keep the focus on this day instead of anything painful from the past in which I did not succeed,though its a good thought I know I am only human, as we all are. To say we have ‘no regrets’ really smacks a bit of arrogance and it shows we aren’t teachable, since failure often teaches us more than success does…
In many ways in my body I am still that 17 year old girl painfully pinned to a hospital bed with her right leg immobilised and I experience all of this coiling, untwisting and snapping in my spine due to the pent up vibrational trauma I underwent.. its not a thing anyone much understands about the long range impact of trauma apart from trauma and spinal specialists, the nervous system cannot be simply unwound from these kinds of massive vibrational traumas quickly and easily .in my case its taking years…don’t get me wrong, I get some moments of freedom on my walks with Jasper and in sleep but the agony of it in my body at times brings me close to the desire not to have to go through it any more.. I was back in that place again last night. and I luckily didn’t have to have that philosophical argument with Scott about suicide again…
Thank God for the sunshine today.. it helps me to be able to get into the car and drive somewhere beautiful with Jasper.. to watch the movement of the water and feel the warmth, even if I am in a car I do know that now, in 2020 I will be able to climb out of it, I am not sandwiched in hard up a steering wheel with bent metal and pieces of car engine and other detritus lodged deep inside my legs…THAT REALLY HAPPENED TO ME AND I AM NOT MAKING IT UP… and it repeated 26 years later on the first anniversary of Jonathan deciding to walk away from me after 11 years of marriage..launching me into the most profound grief that I know is not just personal but ancestral…
I have cried buckets just writing this… the big change in me now is that I can finally VALIDATE MY PAIN… I CAN FULLY GRIEVE FOR MYSELF FROM AN OBJECTIVE AS WELL AS A SUBJECTIVE POINT OF VIEW.. I chose to write that in capitals as its important to me, for so many years the inner killer only wanted me to blame myself and everyone else.. but what happened to me came out of ‘beneign neglect’ out of parental lack of insight and attention, and in a way was even harder to validate and find validation for for that reason for don’t a lot of people go through what I got through and still be able to make a success of their lives.. but as I write this I know that just the act of writing this blog for over 6 years and having a humble following of 1,848 is a success. Staying sober for over 26 years has been a success, being able to be there for my family when they were suffering has been a success, and even having the courage to face up to that meeting and experience my full feelings in relationship to others there was a success, beginning to mend bridges of disconnection with my cousin and her children is a success, fully facing up to my past, rather than glossing over the pain or hiding out is a success.. So for today I will chose to go forward and keep my sights on a grounded form of self love and affirmation.. God knows it doesn’t come easy to me living with an inner persecutor who often only want to rub my face in and make of my random life ‘a mistake’.
Emerging From The Dark Night 