I felt happier last night after my tough week. Getting those emotions out yesterday helped me a lot and then a good brisk walk by the lake with Jasper also blew some of the cobwebs away.. I got my NBN internet up and running with no problems and had a long chat to my nephew, Scott and I also worked through some difficulties from during the week and found our way back to love and I even started to feel some compassion for my sister..
Later today I have chosen to go the appointment my sister made with the accountant re our family trust funds being set up, I am trying to be grateful for the fact Mum loved me enough to leave me this money even will all the complications of her making me responsible for passing anything on to her oldest daughter’s sons (the sons of my sister who died in 2014.) I hope I can hold it together in the meeting as today I just felt tears falling again….I look back to the past and see how I struggled and how much I had been through by the time I got sober… It was probably too early to be married in early sobriety and yet, maybe if Jonathan and I never married or met I would not have got sober.. I had those 11 years with him which were mainly happy, even if deeply unconscious years with a lot of buried stuff that drew us together that eventually had to be addressed. I just had so many ghosts to contend with..
When I think back to the dark years in Sydney after things broke apart with Simon overseas towards the end of 1987 and of the deep deep loneliness of my 25 year old self that got carried through the next 6 painful years before I finally met Jonathan and got sober in 1993 I can only cry.. I was working in a job so misaligned to who I was due to Dad having forced me into secretarial back in 1983….I was living in a share house full of other emotionally neglected individuals with alcohol and drug issues and I was not living in any kind of light or consciousness. It was just the late 80s and early 90s.. so full of darkness for me.. Really meeting Jonathan in 1993 was about the returning of the light, I found a job more suited to me, began to explore things associated with recovery and healing and natural medicine and struggled to turn things around in sobriety..After six year of marriage we moved overseas and I started therapy opening a Pandora’s box of past pain and meanwhile back in Australia my older sister was hitting problems due to her past addiction and abandonment and alignment with a very wounded man who was abusing her and eventually abandoned her only to return and take her out of the first care home Mum tried to organise for her…
When Mum had a bad fall in 2001 I just felt I could not go forward with my own life, I had to come back but that meant I lost so much and my marriage didn’t survive. At the end of that time after suffering another head injury, due to unresolved pain and anger and frustration, I ended up all alone in the dark coast house littered with painful memories where I was hardly fully alive, besieged by inner voices, both positive and negative, writing most of the day and eventually finding more about my multigenerational legacy of addiction via membership and attendance at group meetings of Al Anon. However, even there as recovering alcoholic I was often sidelined…which is understandable.. that is what happens to us at the hands of those who could never know the truth of our painful histories and I had in no way even started to come to terms with my inner child’s pain… I was not able to stand on my own two feet emotionally or financially, sadly.
Today I felt like I was waking up from a dream in many ways, as if some kind of veil had been removed from me.. maybe I am moving through another layer of protective anger, as Scott certainly got a serve this week but I am coming to realise my feelings are justified. It is just the world does not often understand and my own views get tinged by a mistruth in that I can read in a negative agenda at times when there actually is not one, its just someone reacting from where they are…or being ignorant of my feelings, sensitivity and level of trauma, and that is fair enough, how can they know something they have not experienced? It only hurts me when they judge me and yet even that is okay, since we all own our experience…
I am heading out to meet a friend soon, so will only write a short post now.. its important for me to get things out of my system and share them in my blog, exposing myself in this way is not always easy but I am grateful for the opportunity to do it, to be heard and cared for by so many who read and follow me.. thank you!!
I know I am only slowly working towards some kind of emotional maturity… at times my feelings overwhelm my sense of reason so utterly I am not even there, just fighting to find myself amidst the wreckage of what needs to fall apart…. I have to in some way start to stop fighting and embrace it all as a part of the process of waking up.. painful as that is at times.
Emerging From The Dark Night 