I had the thought today of how much of the time in my life I have been told not to feel what I feel. Its almost as if feeling what I really feel was never that easy or possible and most especially due to the introjects telling me to be a different way.. To be honest I do feel that I turned to alcohol and drugs because I could not articulate feelings and with drugs I sensed a creative world of mixed up feeling that drew me towards it in some way.. I remember after the two major traumas in my life hit at 17 and 18 how in the following years I connected to dark music, of bands like the Cure and the Boys Next Door and the Birthday Party… I remember in my first year of college for teaching how in my drama class I did a vignette that I wrote about a girl who was raped and the subjected to an ordeal of not being believed in the court room. I set it to the Cure’s song 10:15 on a Saturday night.
Now that I feel the darkness has come to be my friend in some ways, in that I can enter the pain that was hidden it does not have as much of a hold on me, but at times I still reject the creative side of it…. I love to be in the light too.. to me the contrast of both ‘worlds’ holds a richness for me.. For after I have journeyed down to face great darkness and then return from the Underworld sojourn the light I feel and see is all around me and deep within me is far stronger more deeply infused with meaning.
Therapist James Hillman often writes that so much of our modern malaise comes from wanting not to be earthy, of the ground, accepting of imperfection, flaws and even mistakes as the rich fertile ground of growth, maturation and meaning..
It is something that came to me in the bath this morning after the question of this blocked money with the banks came up with Scott via text again.. Every attempt we have made to be together since June 2018 has been thwarted or blocked in some way by projections of suspicion and mistrust.. things fell apart dramatically last October when someone lied and we were so close to meeting.. then things got blocked from the confusion.. I am not even upset about it any more.. I just see it all as part of life and my ongoing necessary journey.. I can remember all the tears I cried, out of frustration and longing..all the times I hoped one day to wrap my arms around the person I connected with most deeply and consistently after my Mum died, but now I know that was not the most important meaning of us meeting and undergoing all that we have, maybe my life has been meant to be dogged with frustration due to not being able to feel that what I intuit and feel is MOST DEEPLY REAL, being so often thrown off the scent by those who lied, doubted, projected or second guessed…ALL OF IT WAS MEANT TO BE AND IT DIDNT BREAK US.
I am not even going to try to struggle to fix things with my bank.. I know there is no point and am realising that maybe sometimes its best to let go, deployment has to end sometime and I like the ways I am growing lately.. I like that I am loving who I am more and connecting more deeply with my true self.. I Love it that I am not rushing as much to clear up the ‘mess’ of autumn leaves fallen around the back yard which is really not ‘mess’ at all!!! I love it that I no longer feel that hunger for a family I often don’t connect too that deeply anyway and I feel grateful for my sobriety while seeing how it began to set me on such a far radically different path from about 2001 onwards… in short I am no longer invalidating myself and my journey, thinking it should have been another way.
I see how the young part of me struggled to be seen. I see how she turned herself inside out with people not on the same wavelength and I see how the need to belong made me abandon myself so often. If only I had taken my deeper feelings and body symptoms more seriously earlier on, I would not have had to have that needless sinus operation back in 2013 and I honestly feel I would not have been diagnosed with breast cancer if I was not spending so much time around a mother and sister who so often were so disconnected from me.. ON one trip they would not even walk with me after I had had an outburst of grief after having to visit the city where so much of my addiction too place, there was no attempt made to hold my hand or empathise, I was told that I was just ‘ruining the trip’ for others. And yet I sucked it up!
Maybe this is why this morning as yet, I have had no spins, have managed to digest my breakfast without spending an hour or more stretching and having a fight with my body.. no physical contact with them for over a week is helping me to feel better.
Its taken me over 16 years to find this sense of separateness psychologically and feel safe in it. In some way all the painful revelations from my nephew broke open a truth for me earlier in the week and the fact that that conversation occurred on a Monday which is the moon’s day and that Uranus was at the time squaring my Moon and opposing Neptune while Mars conjoined the Sun and squared Neptune showed the entanglement themes was not lost on me. That said my nephew is the one family member I love and connect to most deeply.
I woke to an overcast day today, but the sun has started to peek its face out from behind some clouds just now.. It was Anzac Day in Australia today and I always feel nature remembers the loss of so many bright young souls in that bloodbath…. I thought of my Mum’s Dad this morning, Bluey Brander, who I never knew, died when Mum was only 7 and joined up to enlist to fight in WWI a short time after that attack…it was only half an hour later my own overseas soldier texted me.. I don’t care what others think or believe any more.. Scott and I first connected on 18 April 2018.. there is a deep connection between our souls that bears out in our astrology.. I don’t know when we will get to meet but I do know this.. I needed all of the things that happened between us since then to happen to work on my own inner masculine and unearth some of the ancestral father separation pain my soul suffered. In early adulthood I had no father to turn to and I burned from his previous emotional inaccessibility and lack of affirmation. I carried that pain and wound into every subsequent relationship with a man… and I had to know and try to start to understand it before I can make any other relationship work… And today it occurred to me that in order to be real and at peace I have to find a way to love even the wound in some way, I have to love myself for my scars.. after all in many ways they contributed to who I am today.
At the same time I also know part of me is larger than my wounds or psychic injuries and has the capacity to contain the pain of them.. I don’t really need anyone else to do that for me and if others don’t try to understand or are actively disparaging, or full of contempt I have two feet and I can always walk away. I know who I am and what I have lived through and how fortunate I am to be alive.
Emerging From The Dark Night 