Feeling very topsy turvy this afternoon. I planned to upgrade my internet and the NBN technician arrived as I was pulling back into the garage at home just before 11 am.. he sat in the van for a while before coming in and trying to find the outage points to connect the NBN box.. he was in and out and under the house about 4 or 5 times. and that destabilised me a bit…. I also had problems with being charged for electricity after my solar was installed in December because the electricity company failed to install the new meter so earlier I was trying to sort that, the solar guy said its only an estimated bill and not to pay it yet.. these things rock me around a bit but its not only that.. Its that I have been reaching out to angels at one point and feeling so mixed around by latest revelations from my nephew that it feels as if, in some way the ground I am standing on now is not half as secure.. Add to this when I went to meet my friend Deb yesterday we ran into my sister ex husband’s best friend wind surfing at the lake and he asked her to video him.. The guy was pretty mean to his wife who was a fashion model and became alcoholic in later years, my sister told me she saw her recently and how little support she had from her ex husband when they divorced.. so it rocked me to be sitting to this guy who was dripping wet and nonchalantly unconcerned with any past history while passing on comments that Jasper looked a bit too well fed.. he isn’t fat or overweight at all he just has a strange shape with his short legs and long body.
At the moment just being in the quiet with myself seems the best place to be..I just feel myself seeing my family in far more stark clarity of late.. I really was thinking of being asked to just get a smaller pay out from the inheritance and leave it all behind me over the past 24 hours, part of me just wants my freedom from all of the darkness and concern with money, finances and investments. I just want my soul and spirit to be free.
The trick is being able to ask for this…and to have the right to think I KNOW what I want, as well as have the ability to ask for it….and not have myself talked around in being told it doesn’t make financial sense, surely I am old enough to make my own decisions at this point.
Anyway hopefully my NBN will be up and running in a few days, I was making do with only 8 GB and this new connection will give me 500. I am not huge into technology but my television is one I bought with the house off the previous owners and must be over 15 years old. I want to get a new one and have the capacity to watch movies and things like SBS on Demand which is a multicultural station we have in Australia which shows a lot of good international movies..
I am also seeing today how absolutely consumed I was by my delusions and family darkness over the past 20 years, that said there have been major learnings and discoveries I needed to make about my ancestral legacy or inheritance… Bi polar has manifested out of the grief and alcoholism of my mother’s great grandfather Thomas and to hear all that painful psychotic stuff about New Zealand the other day made me realise how my sister was pulled into something so incredibly dark over there, much of it tied up with religion…..The abandoned, abused child also figured so strongly in what my nephew told me about on Monday night.. he could not turn to his father or rely on his grandmother to save him, and that has been an ancestral pattern..
Thomas’ father wrote to his son towards the end of his own life saying how sad he was he would never see his son again, there was great poverty and a bone crushingly cold winter the one he wrote this letter which made me cry so much when a family connection I met via a geneology site shared it with me back in 2016 or 17.
For myself I feel so grateful I found my own sobriety in 1993 but the darkness of that dark pit did pursue me and I lived inside of it for many years, how clearly I remember the dream in which it showed its self to me around my mother’s 80th birthday in 2004…. in the dream the rest of my family were safe on a lighted shore far far away and I was left on a tiny island where I had to climb a turnstile and mine a pit of black tar emptying it with a tiny silver cup.. then in the dream I was with my cousin (who I reconnected with when breast cancer hit me in 2016) and we were both sharing a pair of silver moon earrings as she travelled with me in a taxi cab.
My cousin’s son walks Jasper for me every Monday now when I have therapy and her daughter often just comes around impromptu to say hi when she has the time, so slowly those threads are reconnecting.. never the less I still, at times, feel the urge to fly so far away from it all.. but then I know we never really get away from the past until we come to understand and integrate it fully…. I feel at the moment at some point of shedding….I have my phone therapy soon so will leave this now….the topsy turvy feeling passes when I sit down to write or make poems… its the one thing that centres and grounds me and restores me to me.so that is where I will leave things today..
Emerging From The Dark Night 