Sometimes it hurts to be a woman trying so hard to reach out, connect and nurture, sometimes we forget just to reach inside and be there for ourselves, first.. I loved Glennon Doyle’s first book Love Warrior. Today on the Goodreads site I came across this from her newest book Untamed :
There is a voice of longing inside every woman. We strive so mightily to be good: good mothers, daughters, partners, employees, citizens, and friends. We believe all this striving will make us feel alive. Instead, it leaves us feeling weary, stuck, overwhelmed, and underwhelmed. We look at our lives, relationships, and world, and wonder: Wasn’t it all supposed to be more beautiful than this? We quickly silence that question, telling ourselves to be grateful. We hide our simmering discontent—even from ourselves. Until we reach our boiling point.
Now I am not saying women have the monopoly on this as I know there are single fathers out there trying to be a good mother AND father to their kids but it still rang true… And I then thought of how it is to be looked down on for being a woman in a family or culture and to try so hard to ‘prove’ yourself or be seen. As I think of it now after posting an earlier post for most of my life I struggled to be seen and just possibly find my sense of value through what I could give.. I had a chat to an AA friend today as I was reduced to tears over the treatment of my brother and he just said to me.. “Deborah I hope by the age of 60 you have fully found yourself and that you realise that the most important person in your life you have to take care of is you.”
I was thinking today how most recovering alcoholics I know are kind and would give you the shirt off our backs, we may have been ignored or come to believe we were never ‘good enough’ and so we may struggle extra hard to compensate..Today I felt like all of that collapsed.. Scott has been continuing to pull on me to get him out of his deployment.. I haven’t shared much about it because I want to let it go but this afternoon after he pushed me again I just said to him its the end… I also said I hope in time I can find someone who respects my boundaries but what I realised as I cried again in the car with Jasper sitting under my legs is that really I just have to respect my own, instead of going into collapse, in a desperate need to be connected or loved.
There is peace tonight at dusk as the light slowly fades on a cooler but magnificent April Autumn day.. It feels so peaceful to be alone.. I hosted two dinners for my sister over Thursday and Friday as she was supposed to be moving but it got cancelled, last night after she left and I was left with all the mess, I just felt like I had been a bit invaded.. Don’t get me wrong I loved the dinner and it felt warm and cosy having her here but I noticed its hard to connect as deeply as I do when I am actually on my own..
Getting to love my own company is taking time….getting to the point where I no longer feel that bone crushing, gut wrenching loneliness and longing has too, most particularly at this time of day, but today as I held my inner child and fully validated not only the pain of the past as well as all of her trauma and as I saw how desperately I have driven myself a bit mad in order to be seen or known I finally felt like I had come home to my True Self so deeply.
At this point I just know that the foundation relationship is actually the one we end up having with our inner self, because out of that comes all insight, understanding and compassion into our human nature. If we cannot hold our own true and neglected shadow selves fully, who else is going to do it? If we continue to self abandon to be accepted or find love we only end up exhausted and empty.
I am looking forward to reading Glennon’s next book when I can order it, as its out of stock at the moment and all libraries are sadly closed. I am sure it will resonate.. I no longer want to be beholden to others so if I have to walk away from this family inheritance I am willing to do it. If is going to cause me grief maybe I best to try and rely on the resources I do have and scale my life down, not that I live extravagantly at all.. I have a quieter life based around nature… I just want most of all to feel safe and happy within my own skin….to feel that I am well and truly at home and at peace in my core and with my sense of ‘enoughness.’
Emerging From The Dark Night 