moving on

I listen to this song by Roosevelt a lot in the mornings..it helps me to fight to get my body moving.

Having been paralysed in my PTSD, especially after the second near death trauma in 2005 and unable to get out of the house or even break through the waking up ‘storm’ it means a lot to me to be able to move my limbs, get out of the house and take those lovely walks by the lake in wild bush with my dog.

Today I had a catch up with my sister.. She had convinced me the stations of the cross were actually going to be held at the local church, but she was mistaken, so we went and got a take away coffee and took it up to Mum’s unit that she has been renovating and will be moving into in a short while… I must say when I got home I had a big attack.. we discussed a fair bit of family stuff while we were up there and to be honest it was a relief to finally leave and get back into my own space. I always end up crying around my family, I get sucked back into sad sad feelings and memories and I am beginning to see that it is just not healthy for me, when really my life needed to be moving on so long ago, but then I remember my therapist telling me that complicated or repressed grief is not the easiest to move through….and that when we cannot bond with family it makes it even harder to achieve the necessary adult separation… we ache for what we never got and may find it hard to let go of the pain of that.

To be honest its really nice to be totally on my own tonight..to just have the care of Jasper and only dinner to make for myself. In time I would love to share my life with someone, to be finally able to leave all of this past family trauma behind me.. Easter is a time of renewal and I am feeling that tonight.. new light always seems to dawn after the quiet, dark heaviness of Good Friday and by Sunday there is often that feeling of renaissance….tonight I just long for my own life outside of it all… I will always have the memories, I just don’t want to go on keeping being drawn back into a past that was so full of pain, frustration and unhappiness. I deserve way more than that cesspool of repressed aliveness.