Suffering from everyday narcissism means we live in a divided state whereby at some point we were told not to feel as we do and to take actions to make others feel more comfortable, we may also live in a state of second guessing what others may like us to do to feel more accepted… the result is that our identity gets erased and so often we come to associated how we feel and who we are with shame. Often our caregivers were not that comfortable with themselves or what happened to them in childhood and act some of that out on us, they may teach us in subtle and not so subtle ways to distance from ourselves and act out, rather than contain or take responsibility for our own life and feelings.
Recently I was guided to read some more portions of therapist Nancy Van Dyken’s book on everyday narcissism and the chapters that most interested me where those on shame and anger. Some of you may know that the wound to someone’s inner child may lead them to become either narcissistic or a co-dependent people pleaser, learning that our value lies outside of, rather than within the self.. If we absorb shame then its hard for us to live effectively and difficult to know, embrace and express our true self. If we don’t learn the truth of what our emotions are trying to tell us, we live distanced from our core. We may also end up turning the shame we feel back inside ourselves, criticising our selves in an attempt to run from the fact that we fear if the world saw us as we really are they would neither love or accept us…
Facing shame then is important work.. learning to listen to the ‘shoulds’ in our self and other directed talk gives us a better handle on where the shaming voices block off deep connection with our deeper self and others.
From Van Dyken’s point of view we are better to examine what the actually consequences of certain behaviours will be than shame ourselves for them, as shaming shuts us down and leads to a lowered sense of self value and when turned against others, makes us harder to live with and may actually end up driving genuine connection away.
In addition we all have defences against feeling shame or feeling our true feelings which it helps to become aware of… Some defences against shame are : blame, fury, self pity, self righteousness, addictions, gossiping, intellectualising, perfectionism, rationalising, denial, victim energy and anger. Allowing ourselves to feel the shame hidden behind such defences takes some inner work and compassionate holding. Allowing the feelings of shame a place leads to a progressive unfreezing of shame and a capacity to bear the heat of it allows it to reduce… Van Dyken uses the following analogy :
shame is like grass clipping left over from mowing your lawn.. If you put the clippings in a bag and seal it, the grass will start to decompose. If you ignore the bag long enough, it may even spontaneously combust. This is what shame does when we keep our shame wrapped secrets inside us. It eats away at our self esteem and self confidence.. Airing the clippings or spreading them out will allow the clippings to dry up and blow away or become beneficial fertilizer…Once we open up and expose our shame we will often find too, if we check in with others, that others don’t actually think less of us, as we fear. Then shame can be replaced with a sense of joining, comfort and even love.
Releasing shame also involves connecting with the child in us who felt they had to run or hide in shame or out of fear of being exposed.. It requires sitting with this part of us while he or she shares associated feelings of shame, especially when we start to subject ourselves to inward self shaming or harsh criticism. Rather than judge ourselves we can learn from ourselves and grow in the understanding that as children we did the best we could at the time with what we knew.. We were not bad as we were made to feel for having certain feelings, reactions or ways of being.. Coming out of hiding we can learn to reparent our more hidden, vulnerable selves and give them compassion along with the freedom to be and express. And we can join the human race with others who also are human and stuff up at times or may also have learned it was easier to run and hide than face up to certain emotional truths.
Turning towards ourselves and validating our own emotional reality also frees us from the need to seek that validation externally. Many of us who suffer from everyday narcissism and shame are often so busy distracting or defending we don’t get to stop long enough to be still and face what is REALLY GOING ON INSIDE. Ways of distracting may involve : people pleasing, compulsive self improvement, over working, compulsive cleaning, exercise or other addictions. Getting to know our particular defences and distractions can take some work…it means tuning in to see when emotional pain or discomfort may be leading us to disconnect from ourselves and naming what is going on, rather than immediately reaching for a distraction : examining our feelings with curiosity.. not shaming or judging ourselves for having them. It is all about understanding motivations not avoiding distractions all together as at times we need a distraction.
In the Chapter Distracting Ourself and Each Other, Van Dyken elaboorates on four main distractors : Anger, Fear, Attempting to please others, and Victim Energy.
Anger is an emotion that as children so many of us were not given permission to feel. It often upset the adults around us and may have brought upon us distancing or punishment which only serves to drive the anger deeply into our bodies. Yet as you may know we need our anger but it often points to hidden emotions. Anger may be a response to hurt, embarrassment, being ignored or discounted, betrayed or invalidated. And sometimes acting it out distracts us from feeling the pain hidden underneath.. Acting out anger helps us feel less powerless but assertiveness is better in the long run…for indiscriminate anger may cause destruction and not help us to address underlying wounds.
Anger coming out in unhealthy ways may lead to cruelty, bullying, criticism and blame, or other disrespectful forms. Anger cleanly expressed can help us release our pain if we attend to the wound underneath without just acting that wound out. Anger released in this way lets us go forward. It shows us what to address with others.. Fear of expressing it or acting it out in inappropriate ways only leads to more wounding and problems for us in the long run.
Fear is an effective distractor. It removes us from other feelings, taking us out of our heart and into thoughts. According to Van Dyken fear, shame and the five myths of everyday narcissism form the basis of it.
Fear of threat or death it real but fear of rejection, being less than, bad or wrong, unloveable or unlikeable, not in control, embarrassed, alone, unattractive, stupid, judged and looked down upon is often a distraction from other feelings. When we stay in fear we stop listening to our hearts and go off into projections and thoughts. We lose a sense of faith and soon spiral into depression. By focusing on fear we don’t deal with feelings of loneliness, hurt, shame or powerlessness and we may believe false things about ourselves.
Attempting to please other people means turning our hearts away from our true needs and feelings, it may be a way we run from facing our fear of being rejected.
Victim energy may make us angry and distract us from the truth that on some level we can now take action to be more empowered. Focusing on a victim story prevents us taking constructive action on our own behalf, it may join us together with other ‘victims’ but then together we can stay trapped. Telling our stories of victimisation over and ove may actually PREVENT us from dealing with the underlying emotions we really feel or facing our own deep fears and moving forward.
In the end all of these distraction and avoidance methods end up keeping us stuck. They prevent us connecting deeply with the emotional truth of what we feel and need and taking constructive steps to make things better. In teaching us to disconnect and displace they prevent us being at peace and connected, taking responsibility for our own lives.
Most of our distractions tend to kick into gear whenever our core wound from childhood is triggered. Core wounds often come from punishment and disallowing of genuine needs for love, empowerment and connection. Recognition of when a core wound or need or shame is hit helps us in the long run to be less reactive. In addition, recognising the need underlying that was denied may help us in time to find new ways to get it met by uncovering it and making us more honest. When we learn to love and care for ourselves in the wounded places instead of just expecting the world to ‘get it’ we fare better in the long run. As adults we don’t need shame any more, and we can take steps to address our feelings and needs once we have learned to understand their roots and various hidden expressions.
Nancy Van Dyken’s book is :Everyday Narcissism : Yours, Mine, and Ours and is published by Central Recovery Press
The five myths of EN outlined by Van Dyken are :
1. We are responsible for and have the power to control how other’s feel and behave.
2. Other people are responsible for and have the power to control how we feel and behave.
3. The needs and wants of other people are more important than our own.
4. Following the rules is also more important than addressing our needs and feelings.
5. We are not lovable as we are we can only become loveable through what we do or say.
Emerging From The Dark Night 