I got overcome with grief both on our nature walk and after stopping at the local shop to pick up some things for lunch…I sat in the driveway in the car listening to John Mayer’s live performance of In Your Atmosphere and just cried and cried..
there is so much going on I cannot give a name to and being served by people in blue plastic gloves and not being able to pay in cash for some reason just cut my heart into pieces…. I know its the so called new ‘normal’ and we have to suck it up but sometimes it hits me..
I also got really angry with someone earlier and that took a toll on my heart and my body, it wasn’t only to do with Corona Virus but it did make me upset when listening to doctor Norman Swan’s podcast for kids on the virus this morning to hear a little child ask “is everyone going to die of the virus?” This is what kids are absorbing at the moment, a climate of death, separation, terror and fear and not knowing where ‘threat’ is coming from while it could be all around us.. this triggered me for some reason and I started yelling at the radio, useless I know but there you go!
In answering the question Swan was very calm, reasonable and measured saying the virus is not even a drastic threat for the majority of the population and that they feel there will be a vaccine or some kind of medicine with the next few months to a year.. I have tried not to listen to anything on the virus and I feel calmer then, so this may have triggered my sad morning but getting angry with someone because I don’t know the reality of what is going on doesn’t make me feel very good about myself…
Anyway I got into action mode and made lunch and then did some tidying up and sorting out while listening to some music, crying a little more.. I plan to have a quiet calm afternoon, but today that old feeling of soul loneliness is around me.. the lyrics of Mayer’s song “i’m not going to go to LA any more, I’d die if I saw you, I’d die if I didn’t see you” really struck a deep cord with me.. and the images of him wandering with the pain of longing and heartbreak tearing upon him as nature and buildings and even street lamps watched him from a distance, took me back to the UK just after Simon ended our relationship in 1986 and I was wandering around London in a drunken state at times… sometimes the past just reaches out a hand a grabs me..
the feelings have passed now..and moved on through, I’ve put on Randi Crawford’s album now as it always uplifts me spiritually…. I miss the man I feel I gave my heart to and fell in love with but could not believe was real and its triggering some other pain over my Dad, but on a happy note I had two lovely phone calls with my dear friend, Noel and my nephew, Gerrard yesterday and I know that now not all of my relationships with men are bad….its just that sometimes that old loneliness comes calling to me…
I am glad to be in my body right now.. I am glad for the lovely walk by the lake in nature where we passed a friendly young fisherman and where Jasper ran up to greet a mother sitting on a bench overlooking the water with her two small children, I kept my distance and then sadness came up that my puppy only has a pack of two.. he loves kids and then all the sadness over my terminations of pregnancy came up along with feeling all the deep ancestral connections.. My great great great grandfather lost 6 of his children before he died and now here I am one of the last of the line with no descendants to carry the line onwards.. sometimes I feel so sad for my unnatural past of not being able to be a mother and give my ex husband the gift of a child due to my own issues. its only natural that he left me to go on my inward soul journey.. but as my therapist Kat said to me yesterday when we did phone therapy, the path of psychological analysis is sometimes so so lonely… I remember my old therapist from the UK being upset I had left my husband to come back and pursue therapy, I hurt him so much by doing that, but it was my path.. I cannot change it…sometimes when I cry I send out my apologies to Jonathan.. I hope he found happiness in his new relationship.. He always has a space in my heart but sadly he could not meet and hold mine either… In the end its just the way my life went and don’t get me wrong I am grateful to be alive.. so many people go through addiction and don’t make it out the other side and yet here I am still crying still working it all through and seeking peace in a rapidly changing world
One thing I know is that I am most definitely alone in having left the mainstream to follow the path less travelled…there are a lot of us out there…lone wolves seeking a way back to the wild longing for the rebirth of a new more compassionate emotionally connected world…and then I consider the benefits of the inward turning connected with the virus such as the positive impact on nature and the attempts being made my everyone to stay connected from their hearts and my tears subside..as I think maybe its all happening for a reason and that in time joy will break through the clouds to make the sun shine again in our hearts and upon a new world.
Emerging From The Dark Night 