At times with my PTSD my body feels outside of my control.. this control issue is something I am thinking about a lot today with Mars very close to its meeting point with Pluto and Saturn… I think at this time too of many of the writings of Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron who says we are always, to some degree, trying to get solid ground under our feet in a Universe ruled by the laws of change and impermanence.
Today I have made some video blogs to post later about going to the cemetery to organise for a plaque as well as the transfer of my mother’s ashes from the crematorium to the cemetery so that they can be buried near to my father.. I was very emotional at one point and my sister was deliberating after we decided we wanted a plaque ingraved with both their names on it on whether we should, instead have a head stone.. To be honest at this point I was exploding nearly with it all. We had been out since 12 pm and it was now 3.30 and as I stood at the grave it occurred to me that if Mum and Dad were anywhere, they were infact in the air or in the grass or part of the gentle breeze They were also in both our hearts and that the type of plaque or stone was not really that important, except as a memorial for us.
In the end my sister decided on a headstone with two angels on either side, as the girl helping us showed us her nonna’s grave that had been done with similar stone work. After all of this administrative stuff was completed we pruned back the rose and cleared the dead wood from the surrounding plots, both of which were neglected.. We then headed home..
I had a lot of symptoms last night, its been a bit of a tough time but not too bad, on Sunday when I told Chahir I was just a bit sad and insecure at taking over the photo I had framed for my nephew of his poppa who died when he was only 5, said to me “I don’t know why you have to keep being so nostalgic for the past.” it really hurt my gut when he said that and I told him so, we haven’t had any contact soon not because of sour grapes but simply because I often find words fall so short when it comes to what we feel and carry so deeply inside and I said this to him.
Meanwhile Scott wants me to send this final amount of money to ensure his return and I feel angry at times and stressed about the pressure… and there has been contact with another friend in Ireland who is going through leukemia treatment with his young son and wanting to share, and saying we have a soul connection, but I am sometimes feeling really pulled upon. as soon as it came to my father’s loss he disconnected from me to get ready for bed so I cut the chat short.. At that time I had been video chatting with him for over an hour and had other things I needed to do but then I had the dream where my brother reached out for connection and I felt smothered.. meanwhile in real time my real brother wants to come back early from the States due to Corona Virus and cannot get back…. isn’t replying to any personal emails unless they are about business but I understand he saw the pressure Dad contained from Mum and sometimes just think he only really knows how to have emotional distance from us,.. meanwhile in the real world all the news is focused on self preservation and social distancing…
I am not coming out on judgement on either side.. It was anxious drive to and from the cemetery and to lunch with my sister who is over exercising and was falling asleep at the table and hitting the curb when trying to reverse out of the cemetery administration office… I seemed yesterday to be the only one fully there, awake, alive and present in my body…and then almost drowning in the emotions again and longing to be out of the stuffy office in nature… At one point I just went outside, took off my shoes and grounded on the grass while running energy through my body…
Pluto rules death, Saturn is fear and self protection. .Sometimes we do need to take control and protect ourselves, that is for sure, none of us wants to get ill or die, or be restricted.. but sometimes restrictions are necessary…Sometimes life just happens and forces are out of our control.. sometimes emotions just flow and cannot always be contained…they have to be let lose but when fear is involved emotions become problematic too…Possibly this blog is a little mixed up today but today I am seeing that the fight for control is not always one we can win… riding the tide of all the pressures and threats and changes is never easy… and yet we must live….each find our own way to find a balance between control, will and surrender.
Emerging From The Dark Night 