I posted a meme the other day on loving our scars and then on Friday afternoon I injured myself cutting the little finger on my right hand with a piece of glass. It was a deep, small wound and it bled like fury which was enough to trigger me.. Being cut into reminds me of the car engine and torn metal coming in on me and all the other injuries due to parental absence or emotional neglect. I did spin out and luckily my sister called about half an hour after I did it.. I was in full on panic attack by that stage.
Yesterday I was back in what my therapist calls ‘the trauma zone’ couldn’t get moving at all due to all the symptoms in my body and the way my amygdala was triggered, luckily Chahir decided to video call me when I said I was not doing well, by that stage I was crying and it was brave of me to take the call and risk him seeing me in an emotional state but he was so tender loving and kind… He really helped me but after I got off the call I had another attack.. such was yesterday, didn’t eat until 11 am, couldn’t write and had been asked out to the Greek club by my sister for a meal so I did go to that… we ended up staying late and actually dancing to a band and it was a lot of fun just to let loose. Some young guys came up and joined us on the dance floor for a while and we had a good laugh, but I was tired so left by about 10.45 and had a hard time falling asleep as all my body symptoms started up as soon as I turned out the light.
Itis a bit hard at times getting my head around the drastic personality changes in my sister, but she seems to be doing well after coming good from the latest hospitalisation that I think ended at the end of last year. Sometimes when I look at her I think the spirits of my dead mum and older sister have possessed her, that said I see her being far more open, far less judgemental and even striking up conversations with random strangers instead of showering then with critical looks. For us to dance together and for her to complement me on my dancing when, in the past I would have got the ‘death stare’ for ‘making an exhibition of myself’ is a shock but a happy one.. maybe I can finally relax around my sister thought I still carry some fears.
I am moving forward to open and trust in another situation. I won’t say much about it until I see how things unfold. I just prayed about it and the guidance I got was to trust and help….I don’t stand to lose much more than I already invested to help so…. this is a lesson in trusting the Universe has my back…
Managed to eat by 11 am today and Jasper have had our walk and morning coffee, I got groceries done, came home and cleaned up and sorted things and ate lunch by 2 pm…there is a bit of pressure in my head and I am aware of Mercury’s station on 28 degrees of Aquarius for the next 7 days… It opposes my Uranus in Leo in the first house and when it moves forward will conjunct Chiron in Pisces in the seventh and oppose Pluto in Virgo in the first, repeating both aspects for a second time… I am getting to see more of my attachment patterns and the playing out of several generations of attachment traumas and unresolved grief. Had a lovely long conversation with my dead sister, Judith’s third son on Thursday night. By a weird case of synchronicity we both got separated from Jude at around the same age (3 years old). We both carry that terror of abandonment and difficulty with articulating emotional distress in a regulated way and sadly he is on the receiving end of lack of empathy and a smear campaign by his ex wife in the town where he lives… People he knows have been avoiding him….he left his wife as she demanded he stay on medication and he hated the effect on his emotions. He has been in therapy and also watching some very interesting videos on RAD – Reactive Attachment Disorder and we share similar reactions to emotional closeness and bonding. I could share the pain I went through with my ex showing a similar lack of holding and empathy with me and that, I believe, brings us both great comfort.
Feel quite emotional writing this…. I also feel my sister’s love and innocence of the wounds she suffered at being abandoned at her lowest point by a man who could not cope and I see how human it was…and how devastatingly tragic… but there is also, strangely a kind of peace here as I sit typing this with my bandaged finger…Maybe the cut was a wake up call not to keep turning away, fighting and mistrusting.. And if I am proved wrong I know I will have the strength to reassemble myself, I don’t always like trueisms but I am coming to believe that with just enough help, wisdom and resilience, what doesn’t kill you.. makes you stronger.
Emerging From The Dark Night 