I just read another post by Benny K of The Written Addiction where he recommends getting a good handle on where guilt, blame, sham and flaw or faults we may have had a difficult time owning dominate our thinking and our lives… I know I have, at times, allowed guilt and shame to keep me in prison and when I have hidden from the truth about my own vulnerabilities and blind spots it has never ended all that well.. At times I have sought refuge in some pretty unhelpful places, that said learning about ourselves is an ongoing process.
There are certain things we can try to run from but because they are truths and realities, in the end they end up chasing us down, and my experience is that we gain benefits by looking at them, digesting then and learning from as well as owning them… This means we accept we are human, and flawed, have weaknesses as well as strengths and self knowledge of this kind keeps us grounded, humble and realistic. That said to know our gifts is also important and to find ways to put them to use, even more important, as well as understanding behaviours and reactions that are problematic.
The thorough moral inventory of the 4th of the 12 steps has not always been my favourite, at times I saw it as a way to help me drown even more in unnecessary guilt and shame over wounds and flaws from the past that have ruled me, but at the moment I am thinking about this step in all in a different way. When we can see what may be weak in us and own our vulnerabilities or defects we can grow in awareness to become more grounded and capable of connecting..
It is also perfectly okay to like what we like and know what we know, in fact if we do we are probably less likely to be unduly influenced by powerful others. In the movie Emma yesterday, is unduly influenced by her friend, lacking a sense of her own desires and needs, it takes Emma a while to recognise the mistake she made in trying to unduly influence her friend in a certain direction and it was quite powerful to watch Emma’s various meltdowns as she had to face the fact that she had actually been wrong mistaken or unkind in her perceptions, judgements, biases, opinions and reactions. (though in the film she is not the only character to face herself) The movie shows that we don’t always know what is best for others and learning what is best for ourselves and our hearts and souls is, for many of us an ongoing life process, often occurring through making a lot of mistakes.
I am liking lately the sense of power that comes from knowing my own self and my own boundaries. I see where a desire to be connected so often has led to people pleasing and has driven me in the wrong direction, there were also times I needed to suck up things I ran from and make tougher decisions.. I guess when I look to the astrology of all of this it has to do with Saturn on my natal Mars Saturn Moon. The second Saturn return is time of reckoning anyway for all of us, occurring around the age of 58. We see the outcome of the entire cycle of the past 28 years and get to learn lessons, seeing where critical turning points may have been reached or missed and avoided. We perhaps also get to work on family karma since my own study of astrology has shown Saturn issues do run in families and can lead to a sense of low self esteem or a sense of moral obligation which at times can restrict the growth of joy, connection and happiness.
People with strong Saturn aspects to personal planets have a seriousness around them and were often left alone when young, experiencing significant deaths or hardships. Both my parents had Sun Saturn Mercury conjunctions and its interesting that this latest retrograde cycle of Mercury occurring between 12 degrees of Pisces and 28 of Aquarius picks up this theme… Communication was often withheld in our family on deeper personal matters and feelings didn’t get much of a look in, there was a very strong influence on duty.
A strong Saturn makes us serious and hard working, it can mean its hard to let go at times, (especially if it occurs in fixed signs) but it can restrict joy and affect the inner child…That said an inner child needs good boundaries too of self care and if these were missing in early life and we get other planetary influences such as Neptune around personal planets then we tend to leak or merge with our environment anyway which was certainly the case with me. In this case antidote of Saturn can provide some much needed grounding.
Neptune gives us the desire to surrender our boundaries and merge with the oneness or another person but such merging can open us up to abuse too.. Many sensitive children lacking a sense of parental protection and care or empathy may in later life go seeking such things in other dangerous ways, that said the spiritual impulse to be real and known is an important one, but in the end its not for anyone outside of us to define our sense of self and some with poor boundaries can get swept up in things like cults or into involvements with gurus or those who seem to offer a larger sense of power.. Such a thing may help to bring us healing, if it doesn’t lead to surrendering of the true self or is sought as an escape from the painful issue of attachment.
In a healthy relationship we are able to connect and merge at times, while at others we are able to be separate. Conflict may be healthy for us as it helps us to define boundaries and fight for our own needs when that is necessary…That said defences against relying and depending may sometimes stand in our way if the only way we believed we could be strong was to resist depending or the control or overpowering of a larger person’s will. I do believe that deep down inside our real self knows what we need, even if at times we deny it to ourselves.
Knowing who we are and how we feel is important, being able to share that while allowing others to know how they are and what they feel is also important. We cannot always agree on things but often the insight of others may open our hearts and souls to a new approach. To Keep An Open Mind means we can hold onto what we feel and believe gently and surrender it if we find out something that expands our awareness. It also means that we can open our heart and mind to another human in love, for love is the extension of my boundaries to include yours when that is what the situation may be asking.
Keeping An Open Mind around ourselves too and going gently also makes it easier to own where we may need to make adjustments. Admitting that we made mistakes is humble, learning that we do not have to carry so much guilt and shame or blame others for our lives while apportioning responsibility where it is due will free us from becoming trapped in ongoing cycles of excessive rumination which in the end only end up killing us of or limiting our capacity for life, joy and change.
Emerging From The Dark Night 