This is a stream of consciousness piece that came through a kind of channelled experience in which I was gathering together my self… through working with the breath and my panic attacks/body symptoms. I think I wrote it in December as Uranus was slowing retrograde.
The critic vetoes posting a lot of my individual stuff but today I am clearing drafts.. Just going to put it out there….its either that or trash it… although I know these are not the only possibilities.
Let yourself breathe, just notice when the fear steps in to stop you from fully opening your lungs to the air, notice too when anticipation of life and love evokes this kind of fear, hope is there but then is sometimes paralysed by past notes of despair that play across the mind or besiege the heart.
Show tenderness towards the self that stresses.
Can you remember when it was the panic started to set in? The day when the fear of life became too large because conditions overwhelmed you and no one was there to provide the ground or foundation of support? And can you remember too, the times it was offered and you could only run in fear?
Sometimes the ghost of these lost opportunities replay. You see more clearly the life that was offered, the bud that slowly opened itself while appreciating the full weight of all that past pain that was there pulling you back. You remember the dream where the walls caved in and the kundalini force shot through you as the ancestral forces of regression pulled on you?
Remember making the decision to return and your husband chaining it to you. No way to escape and then you lost him and fell so far. Do you remember how utterly lonely it was? How it seemed as if everything broke, and the dark lady in the dream whose eyes of utmost surrender and love told you the baby of your therapy and new life in the UK had to die, that the soul in you knew it was necessary?
Do you remember how deep with grief those black eyes were and how the energy of that loss appeared in a later dream as pit of deep sludge you had to mine all alone with a silver cup? The soul in you sent you these images, Silver, by the light of the moon, in so much dark, so often you had to navigate alone along this sorrowful path of family trauma in order to find your way towards your soul’s individuated light.
You came home to make peace with your ghosts, there was, and is no other way on the path of awakening and individuation, as ghosts unattended have this way of pursuing you down the corridor of years. If you do not turn to embrace them they can destroy the very foundations you try to build out of fear. Just know and trust in your soul’s goodness and throw off other’s projections of badness that can never make sense of the true soul in you.
Truly this path you travelled was the right one and even though the way back got barred and you smashed up at that time .. yes, even that, was for a reason. Remember how in that session of cranio just a short time before the second crash you finally saw the entire scene of the 79 crash from your father’s perspective and felt how devastating it was for him and the years is has taken to understand how much it was his loss and his misattunement, as well as his own pain and separation from family that you carried and that made a wreckage of so much? Can you see the all parts of him you carried, the beauty and the hidden pain? Do not feel shame for what was not yours in the first place. I beg you.
Know that deep inside your soul is all the love and acceptance you are hoping for. Know that no matter how fevererdly you fight for connection, true connection just arises and the truest, deepest connection you must make is with the deep soul in you. The life task you soul set was not an easy one but its not impossible.
This is psychological separation that you are undergoing.
The ancestors always called you and its the reason why the eclipse that occurred shortly after your birth was on certain degrees of the ancestral migration and marriage charts. The soul is always calling you home. Those in the world may see it as a sign of madness or lostness to follow it along, they may be repelled by your individual song and the deep journey you are set upon, leading along what, at times, seems such a confusing and meandering pathway but at all times I truly tell you the soul is seeking you and somewhere from deep within it is always calling you home.
Emerging From The Dark Night 